Confrontation... My Achilles' Heel

I hate hate hate confrontation! Unless it's an instant reaction to a situation, I'm useless. I just feel sick at the thought of actively engaging someone in conflict. You'd think that after so many years of martial arts and competitive sparring that I would have faced and conquered this fear. After today's face-off with my ex-roommate I can say... Evidently Not...

I feel physically sick, just weak and light-headed after that nasty exchange.

I would never have seen empathy or the desire to please as being a weakness before, but it seriously hinders success in arguments. I was almost fighting myself as I tried to shrug off his defences and resist taking them on as the truth. I had to keep struggling to remind myself that I was actually in the right, and that he was the one that was being unreasonable.

The background to this incident is a long boring story that I wouldn't inflict on yet another sympathetic ear, but this has become a common theme for me. I think back over the years, to the people who confronted me for my "wrongdoings" and I kick myself for not having the courage to fight my own battles.

I can defend others at a moment's notice, but I seem to think have such little self-regard that I find it impossible to defend myself.

Source of Comfort

My increasingly annoying roommate moved out 2 weeks ago, and I had the apartment to myself at last... Then my brother came to stay with me and ended up staying for a week, so when he left yesterday I was relieved at first, now I could get back to my peaceful solitude. But I miss him. He's a funny guy, in more ways than I could hope to explain and he's become a great brother over the years (we'll remain blissfully ignorant of the childhood years!). Over the last week he was a great friend too.

Let me put this in one simple sentence: I lost a pound in the last week.

I wasn't really trying to lose weight. Not in a conscious sense.. Of course it helped that he was trying varying degrees of Carb-elimination, and was not encouraging any junk food consumption, as most of my friends are likely to do. But I didn't notice their absence.

I didn't crave comfort food.

I felt comforted.

I am only noticing this now since he has left. As I sit down at my desk with a sugar-laden Cappuccino, and feel the familiar cravings setting in, I notice their return, and in doing so I notice their absence.

A bit of perspective...

I've been avoiding blogging for the last few weeks, at first it was because I was in Dubai visiting my sister, but then I returned home and was met with the news that Leo, the man I was seeing back at Christmas, had died in a car accident near our home town.

I'd known him for years but we only got to know each other properly back at Christmas. We only went out for about a month but we spent most of that in each other's pockets! He even came to my friend's wedding with me at the end of December. It didn't work out though, for a number of reasons, and I was just glad that things weren't awkward between us and our mutual friends.

Even though we weren't dating long, you can imagine that this was a major shock for me. I'm still trying to get my head around it to be honest.

At first I was in shock, I didn't accept the truth of it or even cry for over 24 hours after I'd heard the news. Then the floodgates opened and I had 3 days of puffy eyes and almost constant sobbing. I've honestly never cried so much at a funeral before.

It's been about 10 days since the accident, just 7 days since his funeral, and it still feels surreal. Like an elaborate practical joke. It's as if everything has changed, yet sitting here at work it's as if nothing has changed.

It's funny the effect that sudden and tragic deaths can have on the living. I've been cleaning my apartment in almost an obsessive manner, de-cluttering and re-organising incessantly. How silly to think that if I died in the morning I'd regret leaving behind a messy home, but I suppose it's just a feeling of needing to have my stuff in order. I've also been making contact with my friends and family, making sure that they know just how important they are to me, and how much I appreciate their love and support.

It really puts things into perspective. Life's too short to sweat the small stuff.