Seeking Symmetry

A long lost friend...

2011-06-18T21:36:00.002Z

I just found my old blogs, almost by accident, and it was like bumping into an old friend! (One I actually want to talk to - rather than all the old classmates I'm 'friends' with on facebook!) I don't know if anyone will even see this... or if I'm actually getting back into the blogging scene, but I'm definitely curious about what everyone has been up to in my absence...

So much has changed in the last few years (years?!?) - I finished my Masters (with a First Class Honours - woohoo!).. I live in London now... I have a very grown up job, where I work very long hours but I am valued, respected and paid accordingly, and I have people reporting to me!! I'm single... but comfortably so...enjoying my own company rather than allowing my life to revolve around someone else. I've made a life for myself here, I feel like I'm finally living, rather than the rehearsal I was going through back in Ireland.

A big part of this life is my sporting activities, and my quest for balance through them - Touch Rugby (I tried contact for a year but my body is too old & broken for that now), Taekwon-Do (after a 2 year hiatus!), Running (I'm preparing for a Half-Marathon!), and Meditative Yoga.... A combination of fun/serious, individual/team, relaxed/competitive activities with mixture of men & women as friends/colleagues/teammates... All in all, a semblance of symmetry perhaps... :-)

Confrontation... My Achilles' Heel

2009-05-19T12:50:00.002Z

I hate hate hate confrontation! Unless it's an instant reaction to a situation, I'm useless. I just feel sick at the thought of actively engaging someone in conflict. You'd think that after so many years of martial arts and competitive sparring that I would have faced and conquered this fear. After today's face-off with my ex-roommate I can say... Evidently Not...

I feel physically sick, just weak and light-headed after that nasty exchange.

I would never have seen empathy or the desire to please as being a weakness before, but it seriously hinders success in arguments. I was almost fighting myself as I tried to shrug off his defences and resist taking them on as the truth. I had to keep struggling to remind myself that I was actually in the right, and that he was the one that was being unreasonable.

The background to this incident is a long boring story that I wouldn't inflict on yet another sympathetic ear, but this has become a common theme for me. I think back over the years, to the people who confronted me for my "wrongdoings" and I kick myself for not having the courage to fight my own battles.

I can defend others at a moment's notice, but I seem to think have such little self-regard that I find it impossible to defend myself.

Source of Comfort

2009-05-15T12:36:00.004Z

My increasingly annoying roommate moved out 2 weeks ago, and I had the apartment to myself at last... Then my brother came to stay with me and ended up staying for a week, so when he left yesterday I was relieved at first, now I could get back to my peaceful solitude. But I miss him. He's a funny guy, in more ways than I could hope to explain and he's become a great brother over the years (we'll remain blissfully ignorant of the childhood years!). Over the last week he was a great friend too.

Let me put this in one simple sentence: I lost a pound in the last week.

I wasn't really trying to lose weight. Not in a conscious sense.. Of course it helped that he was trying varying degrees of Carb-elimination, and was not encouraging any junk food consumption, as most of my friends are likely to do. But I didn't notice their absence.

I didn't crave comfort food.

I felt comforted.

I am only noticing this now since he has left. As I sit down at my desk with a sugar-laden Cappuccino, and feel the familiar cravings setting in, I notice their return, and in doing so I notice their absence.

A bit of perspective...

2009-04-15T10:21:00.003Z

I've been avoiding blogging for the last few weeks, at first it was because I was in Dubai visiting my sister, but then I returned home and was met with the news that Leo, the man I was seeing back at Christmas, had died in a car accident near our home town.

I'd known him for years but we only got to know each other properly back at Christmas. We only went out for about a month but we spent most of that in each other's pockets! He even came to my friend's wedding with me at the end of December. It didn't work out though, for a number of reasons, and I was just glad that things weren't awkward between us and our mutual friends.

Even though we weren't dating long, you can imagine that this was a major shock for me. I'm still trying to get my head around it to be honest.

At first I was in shock, I didn't accept the truth of it or even cry for over 24 hours after I'd heard the news. Then the floodgates opened and I had 3 days of puffy eyes and almost constant sobbing. I've honestly never cried so much at a funeral before.

It's been about 10 days since the accident, just 7 days since his funeral, and it still feels surreal. Like an elaborate practical joke. It's as if everything has changed, yet sitting here at work it's as if nothing has changed.

It's funny the effect that sudden and tragic deaths can have on the living. I've been cleaning my apartment in almost an obsessive manner, de-cluttering and re-organising incessantly. How silly to think that if I died in the morning I'd regret leaving behind a messy home, but I suppose it's just a feeling of needing to have my stuff in order. I've also been making contact with my friends and family, making sure that they know just how important they are to me, and how much I appreciate their love and support.

It really puts things into perspective. Life's too short to sweat the small stuff.

My Messy Middle

2009-03-26T08:51:00.003Z

I just read Charlotte's post today about Survival of the Weakest. As usual it was a great post, but today this was actually beautifully timed for me. I have to quote this:"I'd much rather hear about those who struggle and fight and earn every inch of what they've got."

Nothing ever comes easy to me (except the speed-reading, coincidence?), so I have no interest in reading about people with all this natural talent. Show me the ugly duckling and the process she endured to become that swan. I read Kelly Holmes' (double Olympic gold-medallist athlete) autobiography and was totally disappointed - she ran, she ran fast, she trained hard, she won. *sigh* What on earth can I learn from that?

Every physical activity I do is a struggle for me. I can disguise that with strength and enthusiasm, but I lack the ease and grace of a "natural" athlete. It doesn't help that my little 18yr old sister also does the same sport as me, and I guess starting at 9yrs instead of 16yrs as I did, gives you a major advantage.

I'm struggling so much with my body shape and image at the moment. I broke down and cried, no actually I sobbed, on the phone to my Mum last night, trying to make sense of the disproportionate amount of suffering a few extra pounds can cause. It doesn't seem fair. I have friends in TKD that see that I have put on a few pounds but they also see weight-gain/loss as I used to see it: a purely physical process, you eat less and train more and the numbers go down. I have friends at work that see me as already being quite slim and try to reassure me that I don't need to lose weight, or that it's natural to gain some in your mid-20s.

Neither of these approaches are helping me. I need to hear about the messy middle. I need someone who understands that the reason I gained this weight, and the reason I am struggling to lose it is that it is not purely a physical process. There is some major emotional crap going on with me at the moment that I am clearly not dealing with too well. I need someone that understands that I need help. Not sympathy or reassurance. Just help.

Nobody's Perfect!

2009-03-13T10:56:00.008Z

Ok, so I was far from perfect yesterday, but I mean, seriously who was I kidding?? Trying to be perfect can only last so long, and I always find that the more focus and attention that I give to a new healthy eating plan, then the less likely it is to succeed. The idea behind trying to be perfect for a week was to instill myself with the foundation of some good habits. And I think I managed that by making a few things feel normal again. Although all it takes is for me to forget my water bottle and suddenly my daily water intake drops to practically zero!

I baked Mocha Muffins last night. They were ok, then I made a Coffee Buttercream Icing, and they became satisfactory.

I'm nowhere near as proud of them as I am of the Chocolate Layer Cake I had made the night before. (You can see now where the temptation crept into my diet recently!!)

Despite all this decadent chocolate baking, I'm still eating high-nutrition food, and trying to take more inspiration from Sagan on her recent experiment. Last night I was in a rush to get some food together (all that baking does take time I guess!), and I just threw half an avocado onto some cooked quinoa and sprinkled soy sauce on top! Super quick snack, but absolutely delicious!

TTBP: Day 8.. of a Week-long Trial!

2009-03-10T14:19:00.003Z

I was just commenting on Sagan's blog when I realised I am on Day 8 of Trying To Be Perfect, ie. the week is over... Hmm.. It can't have been too hard if I didn't notice when it finished...Well, I suppose that may be due to the fact that I kind of blew that Perfection attempt when I went out clubbing over the weekend!! But I've really enjoyed this experiment, and even just the idea of adhering to the standards of a person that I would aspire to be.

So I'm not giving up today, I'm still going to try and stick to the rules I set down for myself last week, I'm actually going to try and keep this going for the month. I've incorporated some nice little habits for myself over the last few days, although I do need to find a way to get my sugar cravings under control. Might be turning to Sagan's experiment next for some help with that!

TTBP: Day 7 - Evaluating Progress

2009-03-09T11:04:00.003Z

So I was doing great this weekend, right up until I wrote that last post I was eating well and hadn't succumbed to the temptation of the sugar cravings. I find Saturdays are the hardest day to stick with my good intentions, there's something about that 6th day of the week that feels like I've done enough hard work at being good and now I deserve a treat! So I think I'll make sure to have my cheat meal on Saturdays in future. Anyway, I was doing well and even though I decided to go up to Galway to visit my brother for a night out, I didn't have any junk food or even any excess food at all really! We did manage to eat a whole pack of Ryvitas between the two of us though! Definitely hit my dietary fibre requirements for the weekend!!

So is it a failure that I drank 1 beer, 2 vodkas & a baby guinness (it's a shot of tia maria and topped with bailey's to look like a little pint of guinness, very yummy...)??!!

I think that the fact I didn't give in to hangover cravings, nor did I feel that desperate "oh i've failed now i may as well just go nuts..." feeling is a good thing. It's almost a success. I really did have a great night with my brother, I had lots of fun on the dance floor and stayed up till the early hours of the morning talking about what we want to do with our lives! And overall, despite the alcohol buzzing through my system, I stayed calm. It was really nice to feel like that! I just drank my berocca, took a solpadeine, and carried on with my nutritional good intentions!

I still have today to get through in this 7 Days of Trying To Be Perfect, so I'll give a full recap tomorrow morning. I'm really glad I tried to do this though, success or not, I feel better for it.

I didn't weigh myself this morning, I'm trying to wait until Wednesday, my newly appointed weigh-in day, but my tummy feels super flat and I'm still feeling focused on my healthy eating. Still feeling calm and optimistic. Long may it last...

TTBP: Day 5...

2009-03-07T18:08:00.005Z

I went to a Yoga class this morning, a nice reason to get up early on a Saturday! It had been nearly 2 years since I'd done such a class but the Pilates I've been doing obviously complements it nicely because I was well able to keep up with the more experienced members of the class (not that I was comparing myself or anything... *ahem*). I left with that lovely centered feeling of being present in my body, that rare sensation of physical awareness from head to toe, similar to that experienced after a thorough massage. Mmm... lovely indeed... :o)

This week of Perfection is still going really well for me, although I admit I got hit with a couple of sugar pangs last night, and then I felt immensely hungry after that yoga class this morning and took ages to satisfy my ravenous appetite, but I'm calm again now. My de-cluttering is going well, along with my training and nutrition. We did lots of punching and kicking drills in TKD last night, perfect for letting go of unwanted aggression and frustration! My weight was down again today ( I know I shouldn't be weighing myself daily, it's just nice to see the numbers going down for once!!)

Ok, off to cook myself a super-healthy dinner and then I'll think about the potential activities for this evening....

Hope you're all having a great weekend!

Trying to Be Perfect: Day 4

2009-03-06T09:59:00.003Z

Well it's Day 4 of attempting to achieve Perfection and it's actually going really well! My water intake has majorly increased, not quite hitting a steady 2 litres a day but not far off it especially when you count the herbal teas I drink. My low-carb and no-sugar plan is going nicely, I turned down a gourmet chocolate dessert when I visited my Mum, and even went to the cinema the other night and refrained from eating a gigantic tub of popcorn! That's normally the sole reason I'd choose to see a movie on the big-screen!! (Oh and it was the Shopaholic movie I went to see in case you're interested, such a chick flick but some good giggles in it too!)

I even made time last night to clear out my bedroom, filling 2 garbage bags with junk and old clothes that I really shouldn't wear again! I love de-cluttering, it's such a cleansing feeling.

AND I'm down a couple of pounds.. well 4 to be precise.. woo hoo... :o) This isn't the result of 4 days work though, that's more likely to have been a lb a week for the last month of high-protein and low-carb nutrition. I'm only about 4 more from my genuinely happy weight and I haven't even really felt like I've been putting much effort in so far.

This is the first time I've tried to lose weight by going low-carb and high-protein, and it's working really well for me. I'm never too hungry, I'm eating tons of food that I love, and cooking is really easy when it's just meat & veg! It's required a bit of forethought in terms of my work day but it's not much hassle especially in terms of the benefits, eg. the handful of frozen berries I bring to work every morning as a natural sweet addition to my oatmeal, yum!!

The weekends are always a killer as far as my eating & exercise regimes go, but I'm hoping that 2 hours of yoga tomorrow morning will help to keep me focused on my pursuit for perfection...

"The Limits Are In Your Mind"

2009-03-05T17:05:00.004Z

I attended a motivational talk today at work given by Hannah Shields, the first Northern Irish woman to summit Mt. Everest. She was an impressive woman, with a list of unbelievable achievements on her CV in addition to this historic feat, and an excellent public speaker too! She started with the above-quoted statement: The Limits Are In Your Mind.

This is so true. I feel it on a daily basis, how I constrict and restrict myself based on my own perception of how things should be. Instead of simply having the confidence to just be.

Here is a very simple example for you: It's 5pm, I'm at work, and I'm feeling hunger pangs. I have to go teach 2 classes at 5.30, then train in my own class until 9.30, so food would be very welcome right now. I have a tupperware container of protein-packed chilli in the fridge here, but I'm afraid to go get it. Afraid of my boss seeing me take an unauthorised break. Afraid of people seeing me eat and thinking that I'm indulging in a greedy splurge. Afraid of simply drawing unnecessary attention to myself.

This is ridiculous.

Time is ticking away and I am letting fear of other people's perceptions cause me additional hassle on top of an already busy evening.

No more limits. I need to eat.

One Week of Perfection

2009-03-03T09:08:00.004Z

Yet another one of Charlotte's posts has got me thinking. This experiment concerns people's perceptions of Perfection, and committing to attaining such a high standard for a minimum time, ideally a month but more realistically the goal is a week. One week, 7 days, of adhering to strict rule which ideally would already be part of everyday life, but hopefully would form a habit after the set time frame.

The more that I thought about my rules for being perfect, the more I realised how simple my requirements were. Tasks like using mouthwash, tidying away my TKD gear, drinking 2 litres of water, and going to bed early enough to get 8 hours sleep didn't seem so intimidating when I'd written them down. In fact, they're all very achievable. If only I would direct my attention to them on a regular basis!

Plans for Perfection

* Drink 2 litres of water every day

* Get 8 hours of sleep every night

* Eat a nutritious, high-protein, low-carb lunch

* Cook a nutritious, high-protein, carb-free dinner (my morning porridge is exempt!)

* Bring healthy snacks to work to stave off afternoon cravings

* Attend TKD training Mon-Fri

* Go running at least once at the weekend

* Stretch/Do physio exercises Every Day (!!)

* Eat NO junk food/refined sugars etc. (it's only a week right.... :(

I also have some non-nutritional/fitness plans:

* No unnecessary spending whatsoever (strict budget due to saving for college!)

* Thoroughly remove make up and cleanse & moisturise before bed

oh and my mum would love this one...

* Tidy my room and keep it tidy!

Yesterday was a major fail of a day. I made a Banoffee Pie yesterday for a friend's birthday, so not only did I have a slice of the calorific diet-busting dessert, I also didn't have time to eat my healthy nutritious lunch and ended up eating breakfast cereal instead! The sugar crash I experienced later in the evening meant I was too drained to cook my protein-rich dinner, instead eating an apple and a bowl of steamed garden peas.. (yes, I know, an odd choice!) So when I came home from training I was so hungry, and yet even weaker, so I ate a bowl of porridge but the demons in me added milk & sugar instead of the normal water & berries! Overall still a nutritional day but far far far from perfect.

So today is a new day. I have already drank one cup of peppermint tea and my 600ml water bottle is full and ready to be emptied at least once!

Dough! :o)

2009-02-25T09:13:00.004Z

I forgot to take photos of the pancakes I made last night! Silly me! In my defence I was cooking myself a healthy protein-rich dinner, baking coconut macaroons AND flipping pancakes, all at once! How's that for multi-tasking?!

I am seriously loving this baking buzz, I'm finding it really cathartic. I might just need to be careful with how much of the results I consume.... they do taste good though... dang I'm talented! Haha :o)

I'm still here....

2009-02-24T10:47:00.002Z

Apologies for my recent absence, I'm still around though, I promise! :o)

I've been training regularly enough, and eating fairly healthily, thanks to the tips from ABS. But I'm trying not to take it too seriously, because I have re-discovered my love of baking! In the last few weeks I've made heart-shaped Cupcakes (iced with buttercream & sugar paste icing!), a 2 tiered Carrot Cake, and loaf of Banana Bread! I know these aren't exactly appropriate topics for a Fitness Blog, but I never said I would stick to entirely healthy topics... :o)

Today is Pancake Tuesday, I made my batter last night, can't wait to get home and cook up a stack of pretty crepes! I might even post a photo tomorrow if there's no objections! :o)

Belated Happy Valentine's Day....

2009-02-14T10:54:00.000Z

I'm not an expert but I knows what I likes....

2009-02-10T16:46:00.003Z

And protein shakes & bars do not make my list of Likes! Dry, powdery, familiarly gag-inducing chocolate-esque flavours... Yuck!

Is it wrong that I am thinking longingly of my tinned salmon snack stored in my work refrigerator, while I am choking down a Chocolate Peanut Butter Protein Bar... It can't be the chocolate, or the peanut butter, because those are some of my favourite foods. By process of elimination I am clearly not a fan of fake protein.

Admittedly I have not tried an exhaustive list of products. Merely 3 brands in total I think. It just worried me that they all tasted so similarly disgusting. I tried the shake with water. I tried stirring some powder into my porridge, and I've tried a couple of different bars. All scarily similar in flavour. All gross.

Odd as it may be, I'd rather reach for a tin of John West than suffer through another Maxi-Proto-Concoction...

Thank Crunches It's Friday!

2009-02-06T14:26:00.004Z

I hurt all over! My body aches in places I didn't even know I had! After a week of tough TKD classes and a competitive Pilates Class, I'm stiff and sore, and not keen on moving! It's good pain though, so I'm not complaining. Much. :o) I'm just trying to hydrate lots and ease my poor muscles out of fatigue. I'm also looking into a Yoga Class for tomorrow afternoon, just the thought of it is helping me to relax! I just have one more training session to get through this evening, and then I know I can rest well, having earned the right to 8 (maybe even 9!) hours sleep... Mmmm.... Can't wait!

Two For the Price of one!

2009-02-05T16:42:00.002Z

It's rare that I post more than once in a day, in fact I think this could be a first!

Well I've just signed up with ABS, the "product" behind the new Social Network I joined recently. I admit I am sceptical. I'm not normally a fan of prescribed Plans, they reek too much of fads or diets to be honest but this is something that's been put together by a friend of mine in Taekwon-Do, and a lot of it fits in with what I already know about my own sense of nutrition and training. And from flicking through the ebooks, it looks like a lot of hard work, which hopefully is a sign that it's not a faddy gimmick. My Coach has already signed up to it thus giving it a silent yet powerful thumbs up. So I'm going to give it a go.

I downloaded the eBooks today and from what I can make of it so far, it all ties in with the general Fitosphere principles - eat fewer starchy carbs, eat more fresh produce, drink lots of water, do strength training regularly (3-5 sessions per week), interval cardio sessions instead of endurance. All makes good sense.

I'm not considering myself to be officially started, seeing as I haven't read the eBooks, nor have I done necessary grocery shopping, but I have started implementing a few ideas already. Like having Baked Chicken Fillet & Roasted Root Vegetables for lunch, and sprinkling ground flaxseeds in my yoghurt. There's a lot of material provided though, so I just need to find a way to print a couple of 100 pages at work, then I'll get back to you with a proper review!

Art Imitating Life

2009-02-05T09:19:00.004Z

Today's Dilbert was quite poignant:

Though I didn't go so far as to lose my head, yesterday was very tough and I definitely felt frustration that would have induced self-harming. In my case that means excessive sugar/calories and thankfully I kept my 'explosion' to a minimal dose of one Cappuccino with a sachet of white sugar, which just left me a little bit wired for the afternoon.

It saddens me that my response to feeling trapped in a frustrating situation is to lash out at myself. I had no real need for caffeine or sugar, I was simply acting out and the only recipient of that anger was myself. This is such a familiar theme, whether it's choosing to skip training or eat excessively calorific foods, sometimes I can feel the self-harming rage underlying it.

In line with Charlotte's February Experiment I tried to meditate last night, to help settle all these feelings of tension and frustration. To try and just be still. It's far more difficult than I'd remembered from my last attempts. Either that or I still had residual caffeine traces sending my imagination into overdrive! I just couldn't relax, my mind was racing, from recounting my day to planning holidays, from thoughts of ex-boyfriends to potential future ex-boyfriends! More than anything I just felt frustrated with myself.

More meditation is definitely needed. I think it can only benefit me, if even just to allow myself some Me Time.

Waiting to Explode!

2009-02-04T14:19:00.003Z

AAAAarrrrghhhh!!!!

I'm feeling a hell of a lot of pent-up frustration at the moment. So much so that I feel like I'm going to spontaneously combust! I'm just too impatient for my own good! I've made these choices about leaving my job and going back to school, and about eating healthily and training hard. It all sounds good. It's all helping to make me feel good. So why do I feel so frustrated??!?!

This is typical me: I make decisions, then I expect to see and feel the results straight away.

This is exactly why I think I need to join in with Charlotte's experiment this month. I need to learn how to just 'Be'.

I can't live my life wishing I could fast forward it. Regardless of how trapped I feel in my current state of existence. I have to experience every minute/hour/day, if even for the morbid reason that hypothetically it could be my last! (I said hypothetically, I'm not terminally ill or anything!)

Yes I think meditation, and yoga, could be the answer here...

More Social Networks...

2009-02-03T14:42:00.003Z

With a hectic timetable including work, training and teaching it's easy to let weeks go by without meeting up with some of my close friends. Which is why all these social networks seemed like a great idea - Facebook, Twitter, MySpace, you're only ever a click away from 100s of 'Friends'. I have an FB account, recently found Twitter through Chris Illuminati and of course I already have this blog, yet I've just joined another one of these networks - My Athletic Body System - and I'm starting to wonder if I might have gone too far.

Am I becoming Anti-Social through my overuse of Social Networks?!

Back to Business

2009-01-30T08:52:00.003Z

After the excessively emotional post yesterday I'm back on track with a much more macho topic today: Protein.

Be it shakes/bars/natural sources, I'm totally clueless. Every now and then I decide I'm going to figure out the mystery of the amino acids and I ask all the right people all the right questions. I just don't know how to integrate it into my normal diet. In fact that's how I originally stumbled upon the Fitosphere blogs and became a blogger myself - from asking Mizfit for help on protein shakes!

After a couple of light-headed nights post-training and even experiencing shakiness in my hands this morning I think I'm finally realising I need to get my nutrition in order to assist with recovery from these tough sessions. I have a gigantic tub of Maximuscle Promax Diet at home just waiting to be added to water/milk/ice/whatever takes your fancy, and apparently Holland & Barrett have some tasty protein bars which I may just pick up at lunch time.

How do I stop this from being just a fad and actually implement it properly into my diet??

A Complete Tangent

2009-01-29T13:37:00.004Z

On a completely different note from all my previous topics this is a seriously girly post. (I'm warning you now in case you thought that 'tangent' meant that just once I might write something funny!) This is a post about.... wait for it..... feelings.... Yes. That's right. Not the 'Oh I really don't feel like training today' kind, or the 'I feel so fat today' kind. Just girly, emotional, soppy, uncontrollable feelings...

I would consider myself to be quite a tough chick. Well I've been training in a martial art for over 10 years, so I would hope that the conditioning would have taken some effect by now! In my club, I'm one of the boys. I'm used to being punched, kicked and verbally abused, and I give as good as I get.

I spend so much time with men in this platonic setting that when it comes to the romantic side, I feel like I totally know my way around. I'm confident being a single woman. In fact after 7 years with the same guy I have cherished my single status for the last 3 years. Although I recently removed it from my Facebook page as the smell of success it initially emitted was starting to reek of desperation...

I've dated a few times of course, but nothing serious. There seems to always be a couple of potential suitors, but none able to maintain my attention for more than a few consecutive weeks. I like being unattached. I like my freedom. It's almost become a running joke between myself and the TKD boys that I'm at the stage where I could break up with a guy before he even asks me on a date!

So, armed with all of this bravado and self-confidence when it comes to the male species, I pitied my girl friends with their man troubles. I couldn't understand why they would go completely nuts as soon as they started dating someone, obsessing over when they would contact them and what they would say, analysing and over-analysing to the point of absurdity. I kept trying to assure them that such behaviour was merely a form of self-torture, just leave the boys alone and they'll come to you!

And so, just like my pride over my easily maintained slim figure, it came to a huge fall...

Because last year, I met someone I liked. I reeeally liked.

I knew he was wrong for me. I knew we were totally wrong for each other. But I wanted him. Baaaaad. I tried to do all the same cool things I'd done in the past that had worked so well. But I couldn't. I lost control of my senses. I wanted to be in contact with him every minute of the day. I wanted to know what he was doing, who he was with, and why he wasn't doing those things with me. It didn't help that we worked together and had the opportunity to stay in contact all day long if we so wished. If HE so wished. He kept pulling away, and I was naturally drawn more and more to him.

It only lasted 4 short weeks, but when I ended it I felt like I'd just gone from heaven to hell and was now stuck in a form of purgatory. I had the moral high-ground, I had walked away from an negative one-sided relationship. I had done the right thing. So why did I still crave him so badly.... It was like he was a big slice of gooey home-made chocolate fudge cake (with freshly whipped cream on the side), I just wanted one more bite...

That was 7 months ago. He's now dating someone else. I've dated other people. And I still know he's wrong for me. But I still have flickers of those cravings. All it takes is for me to smell his aftershave, or catch his eye at work, and my stomach goes wobbly. This defies all logic. Mentally, logically, rationally, I'm over him. I know it's not Him I want. But what do I do with the feelings?

The Good Kind Of Tired

2009-01-29T00:07:00.002Z

My TKD class tonight was so tough I thought I was going to faint afterwards! I felt light-headed and slightly nauseous as I drove home with shaking hands. My muscles were weak with fatigue and sweat clung every inch of my skin. I jumped straight in the shower and it felt soooo good!!

I am sitting up with my laptop when I really should be asleep but I just had to share this feeling. It's lovely! :o)

If Guinea Pigs Could Read....

2009-01-27T09:24:00.009Z

... then I'd use them instead of you. Unfortunately (as far as I know!), they can't. So all you wonderful Bloggers out there will have to help me with this. It's my Personal Statement for my Masters' Application.

To put it succinctly, the purpose of the statement is;

"Why I want to do this course & What I think it will do for my Career"

In Shivers' terms the answer is;

"Cos I want to, and it better do something!"

But of course, it's supposed to be an A4 page, not just half a sentence. So here is why, in 400 words or less, I want to do a Masters in e-Law:*

"Having graduated with a Bachelors Degree in Civil Law in 2003 I have researched my postgraduate options thoroughly over the past five years and continuously find myself drawn to the Masters Degree in e-Law provided at UCC. Though the choices for legal graduates are varied from the laws of African Tribes to those regulating the Medical profession, it is the study of law and its relation to Information Technology that entices me to return to my alma mater.

In light of the development of modern society all things electronic are the way of the future. How the law relates to infractions of this nature will certainly challenge those who endeavour to apply and enforce it. Crimes such as illegal downloads, fraudulent online transactions and identity theft cross international borders creating numerous questions and legal quandaries at a time when technology is evolving faster than the legislature can be written.

In undertaking this Masters' Degree I hope to answer some of these questions and gain a greater insight into the legalities of all interactions and transactions of an electronic nature. I believe that the study of e-Law would be of considerable personal interest particularly due to the wide relevance it has on everyday life. Even in my current role within the aviation industry the issues of data protection and privacy are matters of utmost regard, as increasing amounts of information are stored online or in the easily portable form of a laptop computer.

Based upon its progressive approach to the use of online materials and the creation of the Cork Online Law Review and IRLII, as well as a time-honoured tradition for legal education, I believe that UCC would provide the best forum for the provision of this qualification. Bearing in mind my undergraduate experience at this university I have no doubt that the course ahead of me will both challenge and motivate me towards academic success.

I would hope that this qualification would open doors for me to work within this newly-formed and developing area of the law. I believe the diverse nature of this postgraduate degree programme would allow for me to explore these aspects of the law with regards to my goal of career advancement. Whether further professional qualifications would be require I have not yet decided, but it is something I would be open to partaking provided the career at the end was as progressive as the course I would have studied."

Constructive criticism would be much appreciated.

Thanking you!

*Thanks to Charlotte's comments, I've already edited this slightly.

Psychological Games

2009-01-25T17:38:00.004Z

I woke up with a headache, presumable caused more by excessive sleep (11hours!!) than by the 2 glasses of red wine preceding it! The sun was shining down on the lake outside my bedroom window, and despite my groggy head, I felt calm and content. After a few productive hours of housework, I pulled on my sweats and asics, and hit the road for the second time in as many days.

It's not a long route, at 3.5 miles it's just enough to challenge me yet still allow for achieving a respectable time. It's also not necessarily a picturesque route, seeing as it simply follows the road up and down a few hills. But I like it. It gives me manageable targets - I'll just go as far as that next little hill.... or that big tree... It feels less intimidating that way. Especially since I don't feel like a runner. I still feel like a newbie. I think I always will. (That probably says more about me and my sense of self than I could even hope to articulate!)

As I huffed and puffed along my run, with Britney blaring in my ears, I drifted off into fantasy land, as is my routine when I am engaged in a montonous form of cardio. Up until last summer, I would have envisaged glory of a Taekwon-Do nature, imagining finals of major tournaments and thinking of tactics I would use to overcome my opponents. For the last 6 months however, in my unsettled state of mind and reticence to train in TKD, I had been using other forms of mental motivation. First it was images of the 7km race, trying to picture the route and the finish line, with the target finish time on my HRM. Then I was using Perfect Body imagery, trying to imagine a Leaner Me as the goal. It wasn't a very successful form of distraction.

Today, I found myself initially picturing a Fitter, More-Toned Self, but this quickly morphed into another Taekwon-Do scene, where I was weighing in for a competition, but in a healthy (albeit far more muscular) state! Then I was imagining preparing for the ring, facing a familiar opponent, working through my footwork and tactics. Using the uphill sections of the route to trigger feelings of fatigue and tired legs, I pushed myself through the psychological barriers, and challenged myself to beat my 'opponent', and my time. It worked. I felt the thrill of adrenaline coursing through my veins, my legs becoming lighter and my pace increasing as I mentally fought to claim the Gold. It felt good to be back.

The obstacles I have faced over the last 6 months have been entirely self-created. The weight problems, the loss of a sense of self, the feelings of detachment and displacement were all under my control. And yet no amount of telling me that would have helped. This was a process I needed to endure. And survive. It saddens me to think that I felt so lost and yet I knew the way all along.

This blog, and those of you who read/comment on it, have helped me to understand the mental turmoil that I have subjected myself to. Thanks for listening.

Here's to a better and brighter 2009!

xxx

Out of Body Experience

2009-01-24T00:25:00.002Z

I was sitting in the pub tonight, with Towelie and some of her colleagues, marking her last day in her job - her with vodka & diet coke, me with a pint of Miwadi (diluted orange squash) and I had a bit of an epiphany. I just felt like going training. I had this strange flash-back. A memory of sorts. A sense of a former self. I looked at my watch, it was only 8pm. The Senior TKD Class was at 8.30. If I hurried, I'd make it. I turned to Towelie, apologised sincerely, picked up my handbag, and left.

I just walked out.

I did something that the Old Me would have done. Except it didn't feel like 'Old Me', I just felt like 'Me'. Normal.

Or as normal as I can be anyway!

I raced home (within legal speed limits of course *ahem*), got my gear, and arrived at class just in time to shock everyone with my appearance. Ok, I hadn't been at the Friday night session since October, so their surprise was understandable! But it felt totally 'normal' for me.

I trained hard, my heart pounding and faint feelings of nausea, and it all felt so familiar. As I worked through the standard kicking drills, and performed the technical movements, I felt so comfortable yet I simultaneously felt odd. Almost felt chills down my spine. As I thought back over the last 6 months, how I've felt so unlike my usual self, and wondered, if this all feels ok now, then where the hell have I been?? How did this happen?

More, importantly, how do I stay this way, and stop it happening again?

I don't have the answers. But, and apologies for sounding corny;

I have hope. And for now, that's good enough.

Breaking Point

2009-01-22T13:07:00.004Z

For want of a more eloquent description, I'm having an "Aaarghhh!!!" Day. I feel ready to explode! Literally! My dress is too tight. My favourite work dress, that I am wearing today, is pulling across the chest and is restrictive around my thighs. The dress that I bought in H&M in London during the summer, and fell in love with straight away. The dress I wear when I need a pick-me-up because it makes my waist look teeny-tiny. And now it looks misshapen on my body. The 'Me' of 6 months ago would not have been seen in public in a dress this close to potentially being ill-fitting. Old Me would look at women in clothes too small for them (the ones with muffin-tops etc.) and wonder why did they not just buy a size bigger. And now I know why. Because they're not supposed to be this size!!

It didn't start out this way. I was a UK6 through my teens, then a UK8 going into University, and UK10 leaving! I've fluctuated between 8 and 10 over the last few years, depending on the time of the sporting seasons, and now I am sitting at my desk, in a UK10 dress, and I can't breathe properly. I think I have finally reached breaking point.

I have a problem.

It's not going to fix itself. I feel like an addict that's been trying to wean myself off a harmful substance. It's not working. I need to go cold turkey. I can have a little bit of willpower, or flexible rules, or treats every now and then. Because "now and then" becomes Now. And Then More.

I used to smugly smirk to myself when people would complain about weight loss being "SOooo hard". Clearly, I thought, they just don't have my strength and willpower. I was so sure of myself. I never thought I'd become just like every other woman complaining about their figure. I thought I was different. So confident in my ability to avoid all temptations and train multiple times a day, I never saw the possiblity that my willpower could be finite.

Even over the last 6 months, as I've seen my curves develop, and hips expand, I was still sure that at some point, I'd reach a point where my willpower would kick back in of its own accord and I'd find myself rejecting sugary treats and choosing to wake an hour early to fit in some cardio. It's not going to happen though. Not by itself.

But my life has changed since I stopped the restrictions. I've gained a social circle and regular dates with friends, usually revolving around food in some way, shape or form. The Old Me would have avoided all of this. Would have preferred to go training rather than subject herself to unnecessary temptation. The workplace is a minefield of boxes of chocolates, home-baking and vending machines. Old Me would have easily said No, and felt ostracised for following the courage of her convictions. New Me likes fitting in. Likes doing the same things as the other girls. Likes missing training to have tea and biscuits with a girl friend. Likes missing training to meet an old school-friend for dinner. Likes having a semblance of Being Normal.

Can I balance the two? Or do I have to choose between the paths of a

Slim-yet-Solo-Shivers

* versus *

Sociable-and-Slightly-Squidgy-Shivers.....

Something has to give.

Feeling the Ripples

2009-01-19T23:27:00.003Z

It's so easy for me to become bogged down in my own problems, and contrastingly simple to get caught up in my own excitement at happier times, and often I don't see the ripple effect of my actions. This weekend I felt, saw, facilitated, co-ordinated and generally just experienced, the ripple effect of my decision to go back to school. And it felt so good.

It was intended to be a weekend at home with my Mum and sisters, a chance for me to reflect over my recent revelations, and an opportunity to let thoughts settle before I approached the application process for this Masters' degree. Instead it resulted in an open discussion with contributions from all the members of my family, of how they are all experiencing various forms of inconvenience, and general unhappiness, with their current living situation. And now, in light of that, how they're all going to change it. I felt honoured.

It was heart-warming to simply be there and experience such honest communication from my mother and sisters, especially as I was truly happy for them. They were just so appreciative of my help and support, I was actually in danger of becoming sickeningly-saint-like! I genuinely felt so full of love and consideration for each of their predicaments that I wanted to help them work through it all. Of course it's easier to be happy for people when you are already in a good place, and right now, I'm in a good place. So I'm sending out waves of it wherever I can.

Hope you feel some of the ripples too.

xo

Patience. Or my lack thereof...

2009-01-15T15:12:00.003Z

I am very impatient. I really do not like waiting for anything or anyone. Ever. People are often surprised by my own lack of punctuality, considering my strong views on the subject, but I'd always rather be the slightly late person than the one left waiting. I'm not proud of that but my friends are used to it at this stage!

I like to plan things. Well anything and everything to be honest. I love writing lists and spreadsheets for my food and exercise, or budgets to see where my money's going, or even just lists for tasks that I need to do that day. I just like to have a visual of how things are going to progress.

These are not necessarily problematic characteristics. It often means that I am extremely efficient at tasks that I need to achieve. The problem arises when I make a plan that will take more than a couple of hours to come to fruition…

Over the last few days I've come to the conclusion that this year might just be the one where I get to go back to University full-time and do my Masters Degree. I finished my Undergraduate Degree over 5 years ago, and have been contemplating this course since it's creation just over 3 years ago. I've read the course prospectus a hundred times, I've asked the lecturers and successful business men who work in that area of expertise, and the course is highly recommended. I've checked my finances, and calculated how much I should/can save between now and September, and it all seems viable.

From a career perspective, I'm not challenged in the role I'm in, and with the current economic downturn it looks unlikely that there is any room for my progression within this company. All the numerous positive attributes which drew me to this position have been slowly whittled away, leaving me with the challenge of maintaining my interest in even being present for 8 hours a day. It's a draining experience. One which I'd gladly end sooner rather than later. But not without the prospect of improving my situation, such as could be provided by adding this qualification to my list of accomplishments...

From a personal perspective, it would require me to move nearly a 100 miles away. To the city nearest to my family. This is a major bonus. My niece already gets giddy merely at the prospect of my visiting for a weekend, so this would probably cause dangerous levels of excitement for her! And for me too. I have a lot of love for that little cutie.

Also on the personal aspect, and potentially another major bonus, this would mean a move away from my Taekwon-Do club, and of course the Instructor. The ex-boyfriend. Although the relationship ended almost 3 years ago, it still feels like this would be my first major steps on my own. He held my hand through my final year in High School, and emotionally supported me through my Undergraduate Degree. This could be my chance to try and re-live those experiences, this time without the stabilisers...

This course is something I've wanted to do for a long time, and finally it feels like it's going to fit nicely in to where my life is already going. So now I just need to wait until the end of the summer...

Yeah…

Like I said...

I'm not good at waiting.

I get bored way too easily.

And then I want to eat. Lots.

This is a recurring problem for me.

All suggestions would be gratefully received...

A Blast from the Past!

2009-01-14T14:45:00.006Z

I've emailed my former-gym-buddy Towelie to join me tonight for a session that used to be a weekly routine of ours. My bubbly blonde best mate is so named because she insisted on using a towel on her delicate shoulders when we used the squat rack! Plus we like South Park. Yes we're sad. We've been friends for years, but haven't trained together since she upped and moved to the country! :( Anyway, we used to meet up once or twice a week to work out at the local University gym. It's a top-notch facility, where some of Ireland's Elite Athletes train. It took us many months to feel worthy. :)

We would do our cardio first to time our weights to coincide with my rugby-player-mate Mog. At first he was mortified going to the gym with 2 (occasionally-giggly) girls but got over it when his mates all wanted to know how he got such lovely gym companions (aww....). Due to our horrific allergy to treadmills, we used to go to this great aerobics class that's become an institution in the place. It's extremely popular, taking up nearly 2 basketball courts, mostly due to the Instructor and his amazing kookiness, oh and the music is brilliant! We'd do the class, which lasts an hour, then go upstairs and hit the weights for an hour or so. That was where Mog would join us, and I swear I got fitter just from lifting his weights on and off the racks!

Well it's been many (many) months since I attended this Aerobics class, and even more months since Towelie and I sweated it out in the same place, so I am really looking forward to tonight! Training with a buddy makes it so much more fun than going it alone, and I've been so jealous of Charlotte and all her gym-buddy stories that it feels really nice to have plans to meet mine tonight, even if it is just for One Night Only!

Oh I love it when a plan comes together!!! :o)

Information Overload!

2009-01-12T14:11:00.005Z

Ok, no more hiding from the outside world, my muscles are stiff and sore, and finally it's for a good reason. I'm back. Not that I was ever gone far in the first place, it's just that when I'm not happy with my training performance I become a Reader more than a Blogger. Well I managed to get off my ass and go for a run/jog/walk yesterday, so I feel worthy of putting my proverbial pen to paper in this wannabe-fitness blog!

My thought of going for a run seemed like a great idea at 8am on Sunday morning as drifted in and out of sleep, wondering where I'd last seen my fancy Polar heart rate monitor. Hours later I felt increasingly discouraged by the sound of wind and rain against my bedroom window and dismissed my earlier plan as being nonsensical. After more hours of indecision I found myself lacing up my asics and putting iPod earphones in my ears and then somehow running along my my old 4.85mile route with ease, well at first anyway. I ran the first couple of miles, slowed to a jog for the next bit, then brisk-walked & jogged the rest of the way home. It took about 55 mins in total, so a nice relaxed pace, which left me energised and guilt-free for the day. How easy it is to forget how good it feels to exercise without pressure, no fear of making a bad time or of not burning enough calories, or not spending enough time in a fat-burning zone, just exercising cos it feels nice.

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, about my life's direction or lack thereof. I've been thinking about moving to a city for a while to experience a different pace, I've also been thinking of going back to school to get my Masters. Going for that run yesterday was a great opportunity to try and Not Think of all of that, to just let it settle and see how it feels. For years I've thought about making these exact changes to my life, but in the past it was borne out of fear and an attempt to escape my living situation at the time, be it a relationship or a state of depression, it simply was not the answer to the problems I was experiencing. As I took stock of my life over the weekend, I realised that for once I might actually be in a position to make certain changes, for the right reasons. I want to live in a city like London if only for the life experience of it, and similarly I want to do my Masters because the subjects interest me. I'm actually ok with taking a major break from Taekwon-Do to do all of this, because after a few de-motivated months of half-hearted training, I think I might need a break regardless of my life choices.

Ok, those are all just musings, apologies for my rambling! I had originally intended on simply responding to ChrisIlluminati's Tag last month, so I guess I'd better squeeze that in here too! In this game, Bloggers are asked to share seven things readers might not know about them, then direct readers to seven other blogs that he/she thinks would be interesting. So here goes:

1. I am half-Indian, half-Irish, born in Malaysia but raised in Ireland. Makes for a lengthy yet interesting answer to the seemingly innocuous question "where are you from?".

2. I am one of six (yes 6!) children, my two older sisters are half-Chinese from my Mum's first marriage, and there are 4 of us on the half-Indian side, making for very colourful family reunions!

3. I love languages, having been educated at a Gaelscoil (Gaelic-speaking school) for a number of years as a child, I have an affinity for learning new languages. I speak a bit of French and Italian, and I attempt to speak Polish as much as possible (which is increasing in the last few years with the influx of Polish people in Ireland, yay!)

4. Leading on from education, and perhaps explaining why I didn't spend all of my primary school years in that Gaelscoil, I was home-schooled for 5 years as a child. Having been skipped up 2 grades at the age of 4, my Mum decided to train in Montessori and kept myself and my brother home to learn at our own pace. (I used it as an opportunity to read every book within my reach at the local library!)

5. I speed-read at an embarrassing rate. I say it's embarrassing because I do get very self-conscious when people notice. I often re-read a page a number of times and try to guess how long it would take a normal person to read it but even then I still get it wrong and people are shocked at my speed. (I just had a thought that maybe I shouldn't have bothered bullet-pointing this list if I'm going to convolute every sentence...) Anyway...

6. I spent a summer in Hawaii the year I finished University. Well Maui to be precise. I used my student visa to work as a waitress, learn to surf, get a tan and live an idyllic life for 3 months. I still miss it... *sigh*....

7. Everyone knows how involved I am in Taekwon-Do, between training and teaching, but few realise that a major part of the reason I started was because I fancied the instructor! We ended up dating, and stayed going out for nearly 7 years in total, with me ending the relationship before my 23rd birthday, thus leaving me entirely unprepared for the dating game! This may explain why I am so easily excited when a new man comes in to my life, I think I just regress to my 16 year old self and can't suppress the girlish giggles!

Not sure if any of that was interesting, but I'm fairly sure it was information I hadn't really written about before.

Now for the blogs I'd recommend, and this wasn't as easy as I'd imagined! But here are some sites that I find inspiring:

1. Off the Scale

2. Girly Jock

3. MizFit

4. Take Up Your Bed and Walk

5. MorFit

6. Simplifit

7. Wannabe Gourmet

Ah... it's nice to be back.... :o)

Happy New Year!

2009-01-07T08:59:00.002Z

I have been on a brief blogging hiatus over the Christmas period, mostly because my hands were busy stuffing food into my mouth and thus unable to type! :o) I hope you all had a wonderful festive season, perhaps with less of the over-indulgence than I allowed myself! I also hope that wherever you are, the January blues are not hitting you as badly as I seem to be experiencing this year. The post-Christmas depression is usually a fairly sad sight but this year I think the weight gain has made the post-binge guilt all the more difficult to bear. Rather than continue to wallow in self-pity, I'm trying to be positive about this New Year. What do I want to achieve? What would make me happy? I think I need some changes in my life. I just need to figure out what those should be.

Who moved my yoghurt?!

2008-12-19T16:29:00.004Z

I just went to the fridge here at work to get my Danone Activia Apple & Muesli yoghurt, that I love oh-so-much and keeps me sane in the afternoons when my set of sweet teeth start bugging me, and.... it's gone... Somebody has taken it... Someone went to a fridge that I share with maybe 20 people, and took my yoghurt and ate it... It may seem a bit over the top but I almost started crying!

I plan my food so carefully, and even something that seems spontaneous (like the punnet of grapes I brought today) has already gone through a quick screening in my head to see that it fits in with my calories for today. I find the late afternoons at work to be the worst, just that time between 3-5pm when I'm starting to get bored and thinking about hometime (hope my boss never finds this blog!) and I like to bring a cup-a-soup for days when I have to teach, and a yoghurt sometimes to just silence that sugar craving.

I work with some people who think nothing of having dessert at lunch, or a few biscuits with tea, or popping down to the vending machine in the afternoons. There are also those who bring their few low-fat bits n pieces, so I could understand how a mix-up could happen. But how do you accidentally take the wrong yoghurt out of the fridge and eat it without realising: "I brought a rhubarb one but this tastes like apple..." And this is the second time this has happened. On a day when I could really do with a sugar boost.

Hence the emotional response.

Now I know it's not a rational reaction. I know that it's just a yoghurt. It's more the interruption in my potentially neurotic food plan that's causing my distress. Plus it's a nice yoghurt. Honestly, try one. I don't get commission or anything, honest!

Sorry for the rant.. just needed to vent....

Happiness is Contagious!

2008-12-18T09:43:00.007Z

I am absolutely buzzing today, grinning from ear to ear! Naturally my workmates want to know the reason, (and all about him!) but honestly it's more than just one reason. Ok, so I think Leo was the catalyst, he reminded me how good it feels to have those butterflies when you meet someone new, and he keeps showing me all these lovely reflections of myself through his eyes. After so many months of being self-deprecating it's a delight and a relief to actually feel good about myself! But it's not just the excitement of a romance that has a smile on my face, it's a multitude of factors, (including Christmas, and all you Fitosphere Bloggers to name but a few joys in my life!) and this feeling keeps having the most unexpected benefits!

Like last night when I went to Pilates, the last class before Christmas, and it went really well! I don't know if you can rock a Pilates class but it felt like I did! I was just in such great form going in there, I was totally relaxed and ready for the class. I was feeling slim and light after my last few days of liquids and my body seemed to be moving really fluidly (no pun intended!). After the first few movements I just felt like something had clicked into place and I was finally using the right pelvic/lower abdominal muscles for the exercises, and the rest of the class just went so well after that! The Instructor even complimented me on my Roll-Ups! Yay!!

Even my work is benefiting from my increased good humour, I'm more productive and efficient. I always knew that happiness could be contagious but I always interpreted that as being from person to person, now I can see it "infects" every part of your life. Things seem easier and more enjoyable when you're already in a good place to begin with. Life seems better and brighter.

Now, ever the cynic, I always err on the side of caution when it comes to a potential love interest... So in the same way that I'm not relying on my recent loss of appetite to lose weight and get fit, I'm not relying on Leo to be the reason that I'm happy. He's just a lovely unexpected bonus.

He's from the same town as me, living just around the corner, and does martial arts too. Jujitsu is his art of choice though, he retired from TKD a couple of years ago when he was preparing to run (and did actually run) the Dublin Marathon. I've known him (and fancied him!) for years, so long in fact that I am still shocked that he's actually interested in me. Every time I get a text message or an email from him I get a little shock! We've only been seeing each other less than a week, so it's very early days yet, but he is extremely cute, surprisingly sweet and just oh-so-lovable! I'll be sure to keep you posted... :)

Missing Appetite: No Reward for its Return!

2008-12-17T11:41:00.004Z

After the excessive amount of wine consumed last weekend, I knew it would take a while for my appetite to return... I didn't think it would take this long! It's been 5 days and I'm still not even craving food or sneaking snacks, I'm just not interested in food... Yesterday I nearly had an entire day of just liquids: a smoothie for breakfast; a bowl of mushroom soup for lunch; a cup-a-soup to keep me going while teaching TKD & then a quick bowl of cereal when I got home. That was it. Throw in a few cups of green/peppermint tea and that was yesterday's food diary. And I wasn't even trying. I just wasn't really interested in putting solid food in my mouth.

So perhaps the post-alcohol detox just gave me the right kick-start to clear that panicked craving for food that I had been feeling intermittently since the summer... Or perhaps Leo (the name that I'm giving the new hot guy that I've just started seeing!) is giving me such butterflies that I can't even think of eating....

Regardless of the reason for this recent apathy towards food, I'm glad that I'm finally feeling some control over my eating, and even if this is temporary, I hope I can remember how nice this calm feeling is. No mad cravings for food, and then no post-binge guilt! It's quite refreshing. Hope I can keep this going for a while...

DO Try This At Home!

2008-12-16T08:44:00.007Z

In an attempt to clear toxins from my body, (and also to clear my name from any alcoholic tendencies I seem to be displaying in the blogging world!) I decided to do a Yoga DVD last night when I got home from work. I hadn't used an exercise DVD in a long time, actually never as the last workout I did like that was on VHS (remember Jane Fonda's Workout!). I finally bought this DVD solely because I have not been able to find a Yoga class that suits location and times available... that and it was less than a tenner...

I've never been a fan of working out in an unstructured environment. Even on the days when I would train alone, I would have to have a plan laid out or else laziness would kick in and the time would be wasted, so I was dubious about how I would follow a workout DVD. After all, they can't tell how much effort I'm putting in (Nyah nyah etc.!) So I think I'm going to have to actually use some discipline to make sure I do this regularly.

The DVD I bought is Antonia Kidman's Ashtanga Yoga DVD and despite my intial scepticism (I just don't feel like it's working out unless I'm in a gym setting!) I did feel nicely loosened out after a few of those sun salutations, and even a little out of breath after a few fast movements through the stances. I felt a bit awkward and uncoordinated in the balance stances, and just plain weak when they started balancing on their hands without any wobbling! It's not a nice feeling, being a Beginner again!

I'm going to try to do this "class" as often as my roommate is out of the house thus leaving me with a chance to make a fool out of myself in private! I think it would be ideal in the mornings, so I'd guess I'd better stop hitting that snooze button...

Does anybody else use Yoga DVDs at home? Are there any you could recommend to a newbie? :) Or do you share my preference for a workout setting being designed for its purpose? I know there are a good few bloggers out there who are more than able to work out in their kitchen, so am I just being closed-minded in needing an entire gymnasium when I could do the same at home?

Don't Try This At Home: The Wine Diet

2008-12-15T09:17:00.004Z

I finally found a way to curb my eating for well over 24 hours, almost an accidental appetite suppressant as it were. I would not recommend this for anyone, particularly not if you have plans to actually do anything productive for that period of time! I was attending yet another work party, this one was at my boss' boss' house, if that makes sense! This guy is the Chairman of our company, and is extremely generous, as demonstrated by the freely flowing wine on offer throughout the night... Well it would have been rude to say no... (Insert sheepish smiley here...)

Having consumed the best part of a bottle of wine within the first hour of arriving I was distinctly uninterested in the canapés on offer, and if that wasn't enough of a sign that something odd was happening to my appetite, then my complete disinterest in the buffet dinner being served should have set off alarm bells! And it did. Of sorts. Despite my increasingly hazy state, I knew that myself and Dee (colleague and partner-in-crime when it comes to nights with alcohol!) should eat something. I grunted and pointed at the different food in the buffet and was served a plate of something that looked and smelled quite nice. I just needed to work up a desire to put it in my mouth!

Mechanically I shovelled in a few mouthfuls of food, before leaving the plate down on the table for fear I'd lose control of it! Some kind soul didn't realise I was still actually trying to eat it, despite the slow nature of my productivity, and my plate was swept away to the kitchen. I took it as a sign that I'd clearly had enough to eat, and proceeded to drink more wine!

I knew that something was definitely amiss when the desserts (plural!) were served, and I didn't even notice.... To be fair, I was in the pool room with all the young 'uns, dancing up a storm, so were not exactly listening out for more food! Once I saw plates of pavlova and chocolate something or other I knew I had to at least try to eat something, if only to keep me going until Dee would be willing to go home, which I knew would be the early hours of the morning! So I ate a mince pie. It was delicious, but I had no inclination to eat any more. Back to the wine I went!

The moral of the story is... Don't do what I did!! Upwards of 2 bottles of wine (I am afraid to actually try to count the number of glasses I had!), caused me to move in a robotic state for nearly the whole weekend. I can still feel the remnants of that sensation in my head that was far too painful and severe to be callously described as a headache! And I can count the number of meals from the last 3 days on 1 hand! I'm still not really interested in food! Maybe all this time I was just thirsty.... ;o) I'm just kidding!!

It was a great night, and I really was very happy-drunk, and hopefully didn't make too much of a fool of myself! So I'm glad I did let go and enjoy the night, although I certainly won't be repeating it in a hurry! Plus, the disinterest in food may be partly attributed to the alcohol, but a certain young man, we'll call him Leo, may have to take some responsibility for distracting me over the weekend too! ;o)

Hope everyone had a lovely (but maybe not quite-so-merry!) weekend! :o)

An Achievable Goal Please!

2008-12-11T11:26:00.003Z

I used to train every night of the week, and not accept any excuses. In fact, if I didn't feel like going then I would be spurred on to make myself go, because I cleverly recognised that disinterest as being a downhill spiral. A few months, and a genuine reason for not training later, and now I don't know the difference between disinterest and genuine fatigue. I have allowed myself nights off that I probably shouldn't, and I don't know how to go back to being such a hard-ass on myself! I'm being too nice!! :o)

I'm sure that this is a good thing in some ways; I'm allowing back injuries to heal, I'm getting more time with friends and family & I'm not feeling so trapped in my training. Well I thought I was feeling more motivated... Last night, after an hour of Pilates, I was so tempted to go home, but I went to TKD, not necessarily because I wanted to, but because I knew I should. I'm trying to normalise my routine, and this is what I used to do. But I had no inclination to be there. My disinterest, and just plain boredom, was written all over my face. I think I actually sapped the other guys of their own energy!

I know I used to enjoy the classes; the challenge of kicking, continuously trying to improve upon flexibility and strength. I loved my position as a black belt, at the top of the class, leading by example. Before I graded for my II Dan in June I was training 10 times a week. No exaggeration or boasting. Just fact. I did 30-45 mins of practice in the morning at the gym at work, and then my normal 60-90 mins classes in the evening, on top of 4 hours of teaching during the week. I was also part of a Tag Rugby team at work, we had regular training sessions and matches, that I had initially intended to attend all of them but had to focus on TKD more with the grading coming up and only made 80% of them (Only!).

I knew I had a goal, a respectable yet achievable one, of grading to the next level of black belt. My weight didn't matter for this so I ate normally enough, but I was enjoying the training. I was very focused. Very driven. I think it's safe to say that I burnt myself out. I'm even getting tired now just thinking about how much I used to train! But that's not to say that my current lethargic state is an improvement, I think it's just the result of that over-exercising.

I felt that my motivation was lacking last night as I trained in the class. I can't kick as well as I'd like to, and I felt disheartened by that. I've been doing TKD for nearly 10 years, and though I've brought home a lot of dust-gathering silverware, I haven't actually won anything of note. I'm starting to wonder if I ever will. I know my levels of acceptable achievement are probably higher than a lot of my fellow students. I know that I took 2 silvers at the recent competition, without even preparing for it, and lost only narrowly to people that I've beaten in the past. But it doesn't seem to be enough.

My attempts to "normalise" aren't working. I'm getting frustrated because I'm looking to the past and want to turn back the clock. That's not the way to deal with this. I need a new normal, I need a new goal.

I've been reading Chris's blog updates on how his wife is preparing for a Fitness competition. As distinct from Bodybuilding competition it's more about feminine lean-ness, or so I understand so far. I've seen footage of Bodyfitness events before as well, ones with gymnastics and high kicks etc. I've never told anyone this but I think I'd love to do something like that... I've always been muscular (too muscular according to my friends!), and I love dancing... I'm not saying that this is my new goal!! First of all I don't think we even have anything like this in Ireland! This is just a fantasy...

Emotional Eating

2008-12-10T14:54:00.005Z

I didn't originally intend to use this picture, but it seems poetic somehow, a chocolate brownie shaped like a heart: I heart food. I love food, but should food be a form of love?

As soon as I hit any kind of emotional incident, be it a high or a low, my appetite drastically changes. It's not always consistent either, it rarely makes sense, and is for the most part uncontrollable. Like extreme nerves on the day of a competition means that food is the last thing on my mind and I have to force a form of starch into my body for fuel for the day! Or bouts of giddy happiness which drive all thought of food away, and I am satisfied by the warm glow alone!

I find that even the negative events can cause me to be paralysed from eating, like when I'm terrified I've made a big mistake at work, I break out into a cold sweat and food is far from my mind! Strangely enough it's the days when I'm happy with my body that I'll snack a bit more (justified by my slim image in the mirror!) AND "fat days" where my clothes are tight and I feel like the marshmallow man! It makes no sense to me but when I feel fat, I feel compelled to eat!

I eat when I'm bored. I eat when I'm sad. I eat when I feel lonely or deprived in some way. My day seems to revolve around what I am or am not eating! Whether it's guilt for excesses or pride for depriving myself, every day's nutrition has some form of emotion linked to it.

Clearly I am not eating for physical needs, I seem to exist solely on an emotional appetite. I am not saying this for sympathy or even to complain, it's simply an observation.

Can I fix this? Can I re-train myself to see food as fuel and not as comfort? Is the solution to eat what I want or to monitor every calorie I consume?

Photographic Evidence

2008-12-08T11:03:00.005Z

Ok, so someone had their camera set to the wrong format of time, but that was 2.46am! My make up must have been caked on with a trowel because I had it done nearly 12 hours earlier! I'll definitely be using that salon again! :)

Saturday night was my work night out, in the banqueting hall of a local 5 star Castle, and it was magical. I had a fabulous night, although I am still quite delicate. I think that going out on the Friday night as well was a big mistake... and the tequila shots were just plain stupid... but I survived! Yay me! :)

Strangely enough, I didn't actually drink that much, and even stranger still, I didn't binge on junk food! I woke up today feeling slimmer and lighter than I had before the weekend, which was when I realised that I hadn't actually eaten to excess, so even though I'd been prepared to deal with all the guilt this morning, I didn't have any! Nice start to the week.

Now if I could only find some paracetamol... :)

In the Zone

2008-12-04T17:08:00.005Z

I'm not referring to the famous diet, I'm talking about a state of Zen, a sort of meditative state of consciousness whereby I become entirely focused on exercise and simultaneously impervious to temptation. It is a powerful feeling, and a wonderful state of being. I got a flash of it a minute ago and it sent shivers (pardon the unintentional pun) down my spine.

When I am in the Zone, I feel no hunger, nor cravings such as sugar pangs. I drink water and herbal teas continuously. I refuse starchy foods, preferring fresh ingredients and as much vegetables as I can fit on my plate. I feel full of energy and completely guilt-free!

Strangely enough, when I'm in this mental state, I love to bake. I can maintain a sort of mental separation between the ingredients and myself (though I do admit I have licked my sugar & butter-covered-fingers on more than one occasion!). I think this just emphasises the fact that I don't bake for the finished product, I bake because I love the action of baking, and of course I love sharing the spoils with my colleagues/TKD buddies. Thankfully I have enough of them that I can't be accused of trying to fatten anyone up!

I think I'm going to bake Banana Bread tonight... It's a sweet loaf cake, made with bananas and walnuts. If I'm not already in the Zone, then hopefully this will push me in to it.

Does anybody else notice stark contrasts in their behaviour when they're training hard/restricting food? Or experience that zen-like state I'm referring to?

Permission to Diet?

2008-12-02T15:49:00.006Z

(It's fairly widely accepted these days that the word "diet" is a bad word and should be replaced with "healthy living" or some other such term synonymous with the intention to reduce food intake and increase exercise. For the purposes of being understood, I'm using the D word in today's post.)

I want to know, why is it that in my skinniest days I was able to say that I was losing weight for competitions, but now that I have gained a few pounds I am not allowed to even mention an intention to cut back?!

The difference seems to be that when I was trying to lose weight for TKD, I felt I had a legitimate reason, one that was not based in a shallow desire to fit into a smaller size of clothing (that was just an unbelievable bonus!). So I felt I was given permission, in social situations, to decline all forms of treat food, acting as though excess calories were kryptonite to my system. None of my friends had a problem with my lunacy of 3 small meals and up to 3 training sessions a day. Even my starvation periods pre-competition were either accepted or went unnoticed as I cut back to close to between 100-500 cals a day to lose last-minute water weight. All of this was allowed because I was an athlete and this had to be done to make weight.

I was an athlete. One who would be nearly fainting as she got on to the weighing scales. One who would be barely able to finish a couple of rounds in the ring and would need hours/days of recovery time before eating or feeling normal. An athlete, a sparrer, who was lean and fit, but mentally unprepared for the fight.

Now I eat normally. I have learned from my mistakes of the past. I know now that in order to train hard and be strong I need to give my body fuel. Over the summer I ate more than normally. I took a break. I gained more holiday weight than I'd intended. I want to lose it. Without resorting to my old "tricks of the trade", I want to go on a proper, healthy, diet. But I can't say that. I can't go on a diet just because I want to be skinnier, it's just not allowed. I could lie and say that I have a competition coming up that I need to prepare for, but I'm too honest for that. Even if I could keep a straight face, my blushing cheeks would give me away. So I give in to the perceived social pressure and I eat normally, and then I feel guilty because I know I shouldn't be eating so much.

I know how to lose weight, I've done it so many times I could nearly write a book on it. In fact, I have written lengthy notes and diet/training plans for other competitors. So how do I give myself permission to diet, ignoring public perception, without slipping back into extreme mistakes of the past?

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas...

2008-12-01T11:49:00.005Z

I really didn't expect to be in good form this morning. After a frustrating weekend of battling crowds of holiday shoppers (where did they come from?! I thought we were in the middle of a recession!), followed by somehow sleeping through my alarm this morning (7.30 already?! how?!!) and thus missing my cardio session in the gym (oh the guilt!), I thought a day of misery and foggy-headed muddling was ahead of me. But it was not to be! I am full of the joys of spring, albeit in the middle of winter! I had every reason to be grumpy on this cold and frosty morning. The roads were, and probably still are, dangerously icy today. I had to wrap up well in my winter coat and gloves to de-frost the car, only to be late for work, yet again. But I'm still smiling! And the reason is...

Christmas is coming!!! Woohoo!!! :o)

I started my gift shopping over the weekend, and this morning I am compiling and printing a selection of photographs of the family to send to my sister, niece and nephew in Dubai. There is nothing like the joy of giving, particularly a very personal gift, to outshine every other potential ounce of negativity in my life!

So even though I know it was a bit early to be playing Christmas songs, I stuck on a collection of the old classics, with Frank Sinatra, Perry Como, the Beverly Sisters, and now I've got them all running through my head, like an internal soundtrack! I love Christmas!!

The best gift of all

2008-11-28T09:04:00.003Z

After my complaining yesterday and my attempts to unburden emotional and physical baggage, I feel humbled by Charlotte's post today. The human body truly is a magnificient achievement, it's a wondrous form of engineering, with so many uniquely personal attributes for every being on the planet. I'm carrying a few extra pounds of fat, and unfortunately it's stored around my ass and hips, but that couple of additional inches should not negate all the amazing things my body has done, and continues to do for me, and I should be grateful for that.

So I guess my body, like everyone else's, is pretty great, and here's why I'm thankful for it:

1. Flexibility - I'm kind of bendy. Some of it is natural, like the fact that I can lean back into the crab position from standing, and some of it is from TKD and Pilates, like fact that I can almost sit in front splits. I always forget that I'm fairly supple compared to "civilians" until I stretch with a friend at the gym, or with the team before a Tag Rugby game!

2. Photographic Memory - I'm not quite able to merely glance at a page and memorise its entire contents, but I'm not far off it. I used to learn essay questions off by heart the night before my finals when studying Law in University. It felt like cheating because I could turn the pages in my head during the exam!

3. Strong Muscular Physique - This is good and bad! It's a good feeling when I'm benching a decent weight, and I can see my delts and traps pop out with the exertion, but that's bad when you remember I'm a GIRL and it's hard to wear strapless tops when you've got shoulders like a rugby player! :o)

4. Quick Learner - Along with my good memory, I have a good aptitude to adapt to new methods or tasks, (this is starting to sound like my CV!). So thanks to that sense of co-ordination I find I really enjoy classes like Tae-Bo or Power Aerobics that give me a chance to challenge myself.

5. Abs of Steel - Ok, not quite, but I am fortunate to have a fairly flat stomach, with a girly two-pack, and more if I lose any bit of weight. This is all thanks to TKD, though the Pilates has been great in recent months for hitting the lower abs and pelvic floor muscles.

I think that's enough to be grateful for, any more and I might get an ego I can't handle! :o)

Giving Thanks?

2008-11-27T13:33:00.004Z

Even in Ireland, Thanksgiving is upon us! I managed to avoid the Turkey/Cranberry Sauce/Stuffing Combo in the work canteen today, in favour of the home-cooked meal on offer this evening. I know I should restrain myself, and I know I will eat too much.

I have been eating too much lately. And not exercising enough. My clothes are snug and I'm scared to stand on a weighing scales. I know all the logical solutions to this, but what about the emotional side, how do I stop comfort eating? I think if I knew the answer to this then I'd be extremely popular among my friends, as I know I am not the only one who seeks solace in persistent snacking. Even as I type this I'm thinking of getting something from the vending machine to have with my cup of tea! These are not rational thoughts! I need to be shifting inches, not gaining them!

My dress arrived today, the one from Coast, and as I feared, it clings to my voluptuous hips... It fits perfectly on top, then clings to my ass and thighs bearing more than a passing resemblance to the bottom of an egg timer... I look ridiculous... The party is Saturday week, I don't think I can work miracles, even if I felt inclined to radically cut my calorie intake and actually start training properly! The wedding is at the end of December, not a great time to be hoping to be skinnier, but marginally more achieveable given that there are over 4 weeks to shift the excess baggage.

It's a beautiful dress... I just wish I had my old body back so that I could wear it with pride.

So I am saying this to my chub:

Dear Chub,

Thanks for the memories, for making me appreciate my former figure and making me feel ashamed for ever complaining about what I thought were excessive curves! Thank you for showing me how uncomfortable it can be to be in your own skin, and how that can completely ruin my self-confidence and sense of self-worth. Thank you for encouraging me to be more creative in how I dress, concealing you under artistic layers of clothing. Thanks for giving me something to snuggle up to at night, and thanks for keeping me warm in these cold winter months.

I think I can manage ok on my own now, I'm ready to let you go.

Love,

xxx

The Cost of Happiness?

2008-11-26T15:15:00.003Z

A colleague of mine snagged her tights this morning and despite using tippex to seal the damage, she was having to walk quite carefully to prevent the ladder from running! I had to take care of a few errands at lunch so while I was in the shopping centre I picked up a pair of tights for her and left them at her desk. I can't believe how nice it felt to do one simple little act of kindness, and the cost of this glorious warm feeling of contentment... about €3... :o)

I've been invited to a Thanksgiving dinner tomorrow evening, not a common occurrence in Ireland! These are long-standing family friends so of course we will not be attending empty-handed. My mother has already taken care of the "grown-up" gifts of wine etc., so I'm in charge of the offerings for the children, and for once I'm nervous about my choices! It's hard to choose for young girls these days, what's cool one week is passé the next! So I'm hoping that Bratz are still 'in', and if not, that the make-up that comes with the dolls will be satisfactory!

I love Christmas, birthdays, or any other excuses to be generous. I just love giving presents. I love choosing thoughtful, personalised gifts that will truly be appreciated and actually used. I know it's a bit early to be posting about Christmas, but I've already started ordering gifts online to make sure they arrive in time and I'm feeling very festive today indeed!

So is it really a self-less gesture when you personally get so much pleasure from the act of giving?

*Later that evening, full of the joy of doing good deeds, I found a €50 note at the supermarket check-out, left behind by the last customer. The look of astonishment on his face when I returned it was priceless.... I'm going to heaven so I am! :o)

Post Shopping-Splurge Guilt!

2008-11-25T11:01:00.000Z

It's not exactly buyer's remorse, because I'm glad I made the purchases and I really did need everything I've bought... but I am certainly feeling the guilt in the after-math of my spontaneous decision to buy a lovely new Dell Studio laptop (a blue one!). I've wanted to get a new Windows-based laptop for quite a while. I do love my iBook, but the compatibility issues have been getting me down for a long time, so it will be nice to have a PC for a while, and actually be able to sync my numerous little gadgets for once! So even though I knew I had the money set aside, and even though there were numerous good reasons for me to make this purchase, I still woke up with a sickening feeling that I'd spent too much money, or that I'd made the wrong decision.

I know that all the doubts will disappear once I open the box and see my beautiful new (blue!!) laptop, with all its lovely extras and techie upgrades! I'm not quite gadget head but I do love my electronics!

My other recent purchase was a dress for my work Christmas party. Well, actually I've bought two dresses... :o) The black-tie event is held in a 5 star castle nearby, and my first choice of a full length silvery-white gown from Debenhams is beautiful but has serious bridal undertones! So I ordered a 3/4 length strapless dress (white with red flowers) from Coast, with the justification that I have a wedding to attend at the end of December so clearly this second dress would be used then at least.

I did feel a twinge of guilt as I finalised the purchase of the second dress on the Coast website... I'm just hoping that disappears once I try it on...

A Silver Lining to Every Cloud?

2008-11-24T09:52:00.003Z

As you may have noticed from the recurring tone of my posts, I can easily allow negative situations to overwhelm and intimidate me, though I do believe that there is a lesson to be learned and essentially a positive outlook to be seen on everything that happens to us, it's just that sometimes it can be hard to see it. With my recent back injury/weight gain and the fears and insecurities accompanying it, I felt far from prepared to train fully in TKD let alone compete in a national competition, but somehow, yesterday, I did.

I'm not proud of my clumsy demonstration of Taekwon-Do, particularly in front of my own students. Having not prepared properly, either mentally or physically, I did not perform to my highest standard. Though I'm kicking myself for not doing things slightly differently in my bouts, I'm far more regretful of not showing my little protégés their instructor's full potential. I forgot things that I've known for years, and made a couple of rookie mistakes, but at the end of the day, I had won 2 Silver Medals for my efforts.

The awards themselves mean nothing to me, in fact I think I may have even left one behind at the competition in our haste to depart! The real "silver lining" for me was the look of awe and respect reflected in my young student's faces. It's easy to forget how much of an effect we have on other people's lives, even those who we do not interact with directly. In fact, one little girl, who I had never met before, came up to me and said: "Miss, you're my favourite black belt!" I nearly cried... :o)

Thank Wispa It's Friday!

2008-11-14T14:15:00.003Z

I'm in a retro mood today, after hearing they're releasing the Best of The Den on DVD! Now that means nothing to anybody outside of Ireland, but The Den was the main source of humour on Irish television for most of the 90s! In keeping with the retro theme, a friend of mine gave me a Wispa bar today! I always find it hard to decline edible gifts, particularly for fear of offending the gracious giver, but there was no way I was declining a Wispa bar! Another Irish treat I'm sure, Cadbury's only recently brought it back due to popular demand. After a brief glance at the nutritional information, I decided to allow myself this treat. It's Friday after all! :o)

Have a great weekend everyone! I'm heading down to the south of Ireland for the weekend to visit my family so I'm sure I'll end up blogging again at some point!

xxx

Whoa Girl!!

2008-11-13T13:44:00.005Z

Yesterday was quite a varied day for me in terms exercise; a spontaneous 30 minute walk at lunchtime with a friend from work, 45 minutes of TKD patterns practice at the gym after work, followed by an Intermediate Pilates class which left my "core" rather warm! It's quite a difficult thing to do, letting myself go for a walk, or spending a whole hour stretching and doing core work instead of kicking pads and doing footwork drills at TKD class. I don't think I would even have considered taking up Pilates if it wasn't for my back problems, even though I do enjoy it I just wouldn't have thought I had the time with TKD every evening. But now it's helping my back so much that it's not a case of trying to find time for it, it's simply a matter of committing to the classes and regularly attending - no excuses allowed!

Similarly with the walking, in the past I would either have gone for a run, or just not gone at all. I never saw the value in walking, but again, since my back problems, I've realised that low-impact cardio like brisk walking really helps to loosen out my lower back/hips. My ego is unrelenting though, I still feel like I should have a sign on my back saying "I'm actually fit, I can run I swear!" as though walking is a sign of weakness!

How sad is it that it takes extreme pain before I finally listen to my body and slow down?! And how oddly contradictory that by doing less strenuous exercise, I am enabling my body to achieve more!

What happens when you're disorganised?

2008-11-12T09:14:00.003Z

Absolutely anything and everything! I went to bed late, half-heartedly intending on going to the gym this morning. Somehow my motivation wanes when it's founded in a desire to take advantage of my gym access as much as possible! I woke up all nice and warm. snuggled up to my pillow, and gave myself 10 more mins... Then another 5... *yawn*... maybe just 2 more....

Finally got up, located gym gear, shower stuff, an outfit for work, my headphones and my ipod, no wait where's my ipod?! No time to look for it now. Out the door, felt the icy air and hoped, no prayed that the windscreen of my car wouldn't be frozen over... No such luck. Gear bag down, up the stairs to my apartment again, filling the kettle to defrost my poor frozen car. Minutes ticking by I finally am in the car, windscreen clear, gear bag ready, and I realise that without my ipod I'm really wasting my time going to the gym. At this stage I only have time for less than 30 mins of a workout so I accept defeat and vow to go this evening straight after work.

I thought music was a workout aid! When did I become so reliant on it to perform? I think there's a number of reasons for this, but the main one is that my ipod is like my invisibility cloak. When I am pumping the tunes into my ears I am blissfully unaware of the stares I'm attracting for my unusual TKD training moves. It helps me get into the zone, or at least helps me fake till I can tune everything out myself. Are iPods/personal music players that integral to everybody else?

Back on course

2008-11-11T09:35:00.002Z

I haven't yet resolved anything or even spoken to "D", but I've certainly calmed down in the aftermath of that unexpected conflict. I've even managed to find a bright side in all of it - I don't have to worry about that website any more! It's not my responsibility now! Yay! It's strange to look at the site and notice new updates that I haven't added, but at the same time it felt SO nice to walk into my sitting room yesterday morning and not see that frustrating laptop there! I swear, that machine is unbelievably slow and frustrating to use. Particularly compared to my ibook! I would regularly have to practice breathing techniques in an effort to restrain urges to fling it off the balcony (no I'm not an impatient person!!).

Anyway, after a couple of tangential posts, and injury related training breaks, I seem to be back on course (no pun intended!). Though I'm not pain-free, I'm now actually able to complete a TKD class with minimal whingeing! That's pretty good for me! :o) My diet is going well too, with the assistance of Healthy Week in work, where they've provided nutritional yet yummy breakfasts - I had a plate of fruit, bowl of cereal and a smoothie today. Yum yum yum!

My newest worry (I could never be worry-free!) is regarding the gym at work. With all the recent cut-backs there are concerns about enforcing the separation between employees and contractors for fear the latter could claim equality *gasp*, and go on to then claim redundancy! I'm sure there are viable economic reasons for not wanting to give long-term contract employees a lump sum, but I'm not really going to get into that, I'm just disgusted because it looks like we won't be allowed to use the gym any more...

I find discrimination and segregation sickening, I'm not happy to accept a second-class citizen status. But more importantly, I'm not happy to lose my little gym space. It's so perfect, the 6 sq. metres with mirrors are ideal for my TKD work! As if it wasn't bad enough that I'm losing my friends, the parties and the free lunches, they've added this now as well. I think recession depression is more far-reaching than I'd imagined. Q. What could be worse than losing your job? A. Losing the reasons for working there in the first place. :o(

Calm After the Storm

2008-11-10T08:55:00.002Z

As my predecessor in the role of webmaster, one of the Instructors (let's call him D) had been far too involved since the beginning. Tensions were increasing as my IT issues worsened, as this clearly "proved" my incompetence. It all culminated on Saturday night when we were supposed to be meeting to resolve the problem with the web-editing software and in fact he had decided he was taking the laptop. The whole encounter was extremely aggressive, unnecessarily so, and it has left me drained. I'm proud of the fact that I stayed clear and level-headed in heat of the argument and did not allow him to bully me or distract me with bullsh*t, but the entire experience was emotionally charged and has left me with a distinctly nauseating after taste.

I hate conflict and confrontation, particularly when there is no need for it. He could have simply explained himself to begin with, there was no need for him to treat me like a naughty toddler who didn't deserve their new toy, and that was certainly how he made me feel. I am left now with a distinct feeling of aggrieved injustice, frantically trying to think of a way for him to learn his lesson. This being a sporting association we do have Ethics & Discipline Committees, but I'm not sure that an incident such as this would warrant that route, though it might shock him into some form of reflection if he thought he had sufficiently crossed the line. Or I might just be further provoking a bullying beast.

Meltdown!

2008-11-07T09:04:00.004Z

There are many wonderful, and not-so-wonderful, aspects to being a control freak. I usually do things quite well, and I use that term generally because I do attempt nearly everything. If it's something that's physically possible for me to do, then I hate to achieve less than 95% (well, nobody's perfect!). People know they can rely on me to get a job done, and they know it will be done to a high standard. They also know that despite my best efforts to be a team player, I'm itching to take charge and implement my ideas and generally just tidy things up a bit, so it doesn't necessary help me to make friends!

I am very much aware that my need to maintain control over everything, and sometimes everyone, is extremely neurotic, and by meeting my need to be involved in everything I am simply attempting to silence my inner voices with their fearful chant - "They're doing it wrong! Fix it! Help them!!" It's not like I'm trying to take over just to rub my proficiency in other people's faces. That's just a bonus. :o)

The major downside to being a control freak, with its inherent perfectionist streak, is what happens when a mistake is made? When something goes wrong?! Even when it's through no fault of my own, the fact that it reflects on me is traumatic. I experienced that last night, and I think the best term for it is simply a Meltdown. I think that's the best way to describe my wailing down the phone to my TKD Instructor at 1am because somehow the updates that I made to the website not only refused to save, but the home page is now blank!! I nearly crapped myself when I saw it. This is the most public job I could be doing and I've just wiped the website home page. F*ck.

Now, regardless of the fact that this is clearly a computer error, and there was nothing I could do to prevent it happening, other than simply refusing to turn the thing on! Despite the fact that no-one should blame me for this, in fact they should apologise for giving me a crappy laptop to work with, with out of date web-editing software that crashes every 5 minutes! None of this matters, because my ego was the one crashing last night. I couldn't handle the fact that everyone who clicked on the site would know it was my job to maintain it, and would think I had messed it up.

All of this emotional turmoil has a terrible knock-on effect: An hour of crying results in extremely puffy eyes which no amount of eye make-up can mask and I couldn't get to bed till well after 1am, hence was unable to wake early enough for am gym session; and the associated guilt should ensue. But I'm not going to let it.

I'm not taking responsibility for this mess. I'm not going to let it bother me. I'm going to have an extremely productive day at work and then go to TKD tonight. And maybe hit some people. :o)

Recession Depression

2008-11-06T13:29:00.002Z

I've just found out that my company are making serious cut-backs, starting with the frivolous expenditure like our lavish Christmas party being cancelled. (It's normally held in a 5 star castle, yes we like to be posh so we do!), but nothing cuts a budget like dropping head-count. :o( It looks like my job is safe for the time being, with the extremely fortuitous timing of my contract renewal, unfortunately my friends were not so lucky. Already 3 of my close friends have been given their notice, and it looks likely that at least 2 more will follow after them. There's talks of moving to Australia and Dubai, and plans for cancelling house purchases, and it has me thinking:

If I was made redundant in the morning, what would I do?

Well, after the initial sobbing and crying, I think I'd go back to school and do that Masters I've had my eye on for a while now. But could I really drop everything to do with the TKD Club, after all I teach 4 classes a week, and train with another 2, could I really walk away from it all? It's starting to look like I need a genuine plan, and this is no longer idle fantasy.

Photos as promised!

2008-11-05T18:56:00.005Z

I wasn't sure if I'd show faces in the photos but they just looked ridiculous when I tried to crop them more! I hope the boys don't mind/find out that I've published pics of them on my blog! Oh and please excuse the Zoolander attempts in the first photo, we're such wannabe models!! :o)
Oh and yes, I am sucking my tummy in for the first pic, I've unwittingly let the pudge hang out for the second! Like I said earlier though, I still felt pretty, even though I was fairly self-conscious for the day!

Back in the gym!

2008-11-05T08:48:00.002Z

Fueled by your words of support yesterday and a little nudge from my coach last night, I dragged myself out of bed this morning and went to the gym! I didn't go crazy, just did about 15 mins on the treadmill followed by 25 mins of weights/core work so the work out itself was nothing impressive, I'm just pleased that I was able to motivate myself to go. I think I need to draw up a new schedule for my training which includes TKD classes, my own personal TKD training, and my own Strength/Cardio training and ideally some yoga/pilates classes too. I work well when I have a plan. Unfortunately as a direct corollary to that I work very badly when there is no plan!!

Silly Me!

2008-11-04T13:40:00.003Z

I was so distracted by Lean November that I totally forgot to post about my Halloween! I'll have to add a photo later because I did something quite daring - I went to a costume party dressed as Princess Jasmine from Aladdin... yes, that's right, I showed my stomach in public! I've always been lucky in that I usually had a really narrow waist and my abs would show through easily, so even with all the recent weight gain and my ballooning ass & hips, my stomach is still reasonably flat. I still wasn't sure I'd be able to pull off the costume but it fit quite nicely in the end, and maybe bright pink works for me cos I felt quite pretty!

Photos to follow later...

Lean November Weigh In

2008-11-04T10:15:00.003Z

Every year my company do a healthy month program called Lean November, no prizes for guessing when it's on! It's a group effort to get fit and lose weight before the gluttony of December sets in. The canteen serves leaner options, and pedometers and walking maps are provided for interested participants, and there is a general united effort towards making healthier choices. These are all rather enjoyable and innocuous aspects of the program, the scary part is the weigh in... There are 3 teams that weigh in at the start of the month and then again at the end of the month and the team with the most weight loss wins some lovely bottles of wine. I enjoyed participating in this last year, even though my team was not victorious, it was still fun. I lost about 3lbs and promptly put it on (and more besides!) over the month of December!

This year, however, you would have to drag me kicking and screaming onto that scales! It's hard enough for me to handle my weight gain without having to actually see the figures and then have to reveal the number to a colleague, regardless of her vow of secrecy. I do need to lose weight though, it's getting beyond ridiculous, even my 'fat' clothes are starting to feel snug! It's such a vicious circle - I feel fat so I don't feel comfortable doing Taekwon-Do and I have to work twice as hard just to motivate myself to train! I feel fat and it makes me want to eat!! And it doesn't help that my back still twinges regularly enough to cause me to hold back when training. I wish I was 100%, I want to really be able to throw myself into my training and feel that overwhelming exhaustion from really giving it my all. I need to ignore the fat feelings for now. I need to take care of my back. And I need to find a way to break through this invisible barrier and out of this vicious circle. I can do this.

Be Positive.... Me?

2008-10-30T14:23:00.004Z

I haven't posted in a week, mostly because nothing exciting has happened to me this week, not sure if that's good or bad... I've eaten more or less "normally", you know some indulgences like pizza & chips on one night and a biscuit or three with a cup of tea (ooh that rhymes!), but I haven't had any crazy bingeing urges and I'm also not feeling deprived. I started back training last week, just easing myself into it gradually so I didn't take part in the sparring part of class last night, preferring to just work on my II Dan Patterns. They're really coming along, I can pretty much say that I know 2 of the 3 required, I just need to work on my kicking now... (I've been saying that for 2 years, someday I'll actually genuinely work on it!) I'm still pudgy, with extremely curvaceous cellulite-ridden thighs but I'm not hating myself so that must be a positive step of sorts.

So training is going ok, and my diet, although not exactly clean is not harmful, and I'm finding a sort of temporary acceptance of my chubbiness. How boring!! Where's the harrowing tale of angst, shame and despair which I seem to thrive on?! This really isn't right at all... I'd better find something to be miserable about quickly!! :o)

Seriously though, I am looking for balance, but not like this. Not some form of acceptance, like I'm settling for less. At least I'm back in TKD with some new-found enthusiasm, that is an extremely positive and encouraging thing for me. TKD is such a part of my identity, I really felt lost without it.

Goal!!! Life ones, not soccer!

2008-10-23T09:03:00.005Z

I'm a little bit inspired by Trisha's Goal Checklist, and I may add something to my page along that vein, but first I need to come up with some. Now if I start with the old S.M.A.R.T. principles it's not gonna be easy for me to come up with a list worth publishing, so I'm gonna just throw some ideas out there, and maybe find a way to tidy it up later. Suggestions for refinement would be much appreciated!

Short-term Goals:

Start using the gym at work again - varying between my personal TKD training, cardio and strength training.
Start running on the weekends (when it's actually daylight rather than the darkness at 7am nowadays!)
Drink 2 litres of water a day - I can do this!
Try and limit my treats to once a day so that I really appreciate them rather than using them as a food source.
Learn my II Dan patterns. (It's a TKD thing!)

Medium-term Goals:

Lose at least 5lbs before Christmas, if not more to allow for seasonal excesses.
Run 5 miles comfortably in under 40mins, ie. not in a race setting, just at a conversational pace.

Gotta go, but will definitely be adding to these later.

Ok, I think perhaps some of these are resolutions rather than goals, but if I can implement them then they'll help me on my path to my goals. Perhaps a new post is required... yay, I love posting! :o)

Newsflash: I am normal!

2008-10-22T23:16:00.002Z

I had an emotional time in Italy, that's not to say it wasn't worthwhile, I'm definitely glad I was there, but it wasn't exactly an experience I'd repeat in a hurry. Though I experienced a few important lessons I think the most important, and yet the simplest one was that I am actually fairly normal. Yes, that's right, after years of coming to terms with all my differences which set me apart from everyone, all the reasons that I came up with for my interpreted sense of exclusion, I finally realise that almost everyone experiences a sense of isolation at some stage. I might even go so far as to say that everyone makes mistakes, or feels that they've lost control of their life in some way, even to the extent where they feel out of sync or misplaced in the world. Could this be true?

As I opened up my heart and soul to my room-mate over in Italy, the last thing I expected to hear was her not only understanding, but sharing similar experiences with me. Feeling de-motivated, feeling lost and out of place, feeling 'fat', ugly, stupid etc. Apparently these are normal feelings! I almost laughed at the notion that I've spent my adolescent/adult life trying to pretend to be perfect, trying to disguise any shortcomings, and then learning that a lot of other people are doing the same thing! Who was I trying to kid?! Life is not perfect. My life isn't anyway. My life is a great big mess. I could try and sweep all that under a proverbial carpet, or I could accept it for the way it is, and embrace its normalcy.

I am so glad that's over...

2008-10-22T14:26:00.002Z

So I went to Italy. I managed to not cry when I put on my team tracksuit on the morning of our flight and realised that it was tight around my hips. I managed to not cry when a friend of mine playfully punched me in the stomach and said "58 kilo my arse..." I even managed to control myself when another friend commented on my currently curvaceous bottom. But I nearly lost it when I was standing next to my skinny little sister and someone made a distinct comparison along the lines of "I'd take your sister, she looks fitter". I know these were intended as jokes. And were said by incredibly light people who had been starving themselves for weeks to make weight for this competition. I'm not going to take it personally. But it was tough. Being there was tough. Watching everyone compete whilst I explained repeatedly why I wasn't taking part. But I'm hoping, really hoping that this horrible experience will help give me the hunger and motivation to start training again properly. I want the gold. I want the glory. And it would be nice to have my body back too.

Ciao Mi Amici!

2008-10-14T21:15:00.002Z

I'm off to Italia in the morning, my bags are packed and the taxi arrives at the painful hour of 5am! My previously agonising back pain has been temporary alleviated by the healing hands of my Physio. I think I love her in a way that is more than is required for a professional relationship!

I collected my baby sister from the train station earlier (she's 18, but still a baby to me!), and listened to her gleeful description of how her healthy diet in the build up to this competition has eliminated the hint of cellulite that she'd found on her thighs... I managed to restrain myself from kicking her out of the car on the motorway...

Honestly though, I'm ok with my chub. Well for now at least. I know no one can see it. It's like my own little private joke or something. It's a sick and twisted joke but I always did have a strange sense of humour!

You guys have been great for support through this seemingly overwhelmingly depressing time, but hopefully I'll soon get past all this whingeing about my body, and get on to complaining about something else!

Ciao for now!
xxx

The Bigger Picture

2008-10-13T08:09:00.003Z

I saw a photograph of myself yesterday that horrified me; I was refereeing at a TKD competition and was dressed in the appropriate attire of a black suit, shirt, tie & a pair of adidas TKD shoes, my hair was done nicely, and my make up was flattering, but all I could see was the shadow of a double chin!! I know I gain weight on my face first, and even at my skinniest I still had rosy cheeks that contrasted sharply with my protruding ribs and concave stomach, so I was dreading seeing this photograph. Just as I am dreading seeing the 100s & 1000s of photos that will be taken at the World Cup.

I fly out on Wednesday to Lake Garda in Northern Italy, to spend 5 days watching my fellow athletes compete, whilst I try to avoid comparing myself to them, or feeling their judgement for my recent weight gain. I am contemplating leaving the swimsuit at home, for fear I'd be forced to wear it over there and show people what I'll be hiding under a tracksuit for the duration of the competition. I'm even worrying about the after party, and how to hide my chub and still look reasonably well-dressed. I have only gained about 5lbs and it has taken over my life.

I sat down yesterday and took stock of all the improvements I have made on my life in the last few years, and they are plentiful. Never before have I had the combination of a Good Job, Nice Home & a New Car, all at once. I don't remember a time when I didn't worry about my weight, even at my lightest I was never happy with my thighs or my cheeks with their genetic pre-disposition to hold fat cells. But even now with all of these other wonderful things happening in my life, they are all overshadowed by that hint of a double chin.

Breaking the Fast

2008-10-10T08:31:00.006Z

In case the title didn't make it painfully obvious I am, of course, referring to that all-important first (and my favourite!) meal of the day; Breakfast. It was on the tip of my proverbial tongue to post on the topic yesterday, and after checking in on Charlotte today, I decided to use my own blog for my verbal meanderings, rather than hijacking hers! :o)

You see, I love breakfast, and every kind of breakfast food item, with a passion that belies the simplicity of the meal. I heart Pancakes - fluffy American ones, or skinny Crepes; I adore French Toast drizzled in maple syrup; I'm partial to the Irish breakfast of bacon, sausages, eggs and pudding, and the Continental options of croissants and pain au chocolat. Apart from my clearly dangerous sugar/fat addiction, I love the healthy stuff too; the varieties of fruit; a big bowl of oatmeal with wheatgerm and honey; the numerous types of breakfast cereal; yoghurt in all its wonderful forms from greek-style to fat free. And those are just the American/European options, I'm not gonna even start on the Asian breakfasts, ok maybe just mention Roti Canai cos I used to love that in Malaysia with a big glass of Lime Juice. Yum!

Ok, so clearly I like my food. Preferably breakfast food. I even eat toast and breakfast cereal at night, craving them over everything else, partly for their simplicity and partly for their implied healthy attributes. I mean a bowl of All-Bran has got to be better than eating that pack of Pringles, right?! :o)

But there's more to it that just my nutritional preferences, it feels like the morning is a time I'm supposed to be hungry and I'm allowed to eat. After years of starvation & crash diets my signals are so screwed up that I can't tell what my body needs most of the time. But mornings are clear: I haven't eaten since last night so that feeling is hunger. I should eat now.

Growing Up is...

2008-10-09T09:03:00.003Z

...doing things you don't want to do, because you know they should be done, and because you know you'll feel better when you've done them.

Example no. 1: Spending your Wednesday evening vacuuming and mopping your apartment, NOT because the immeasurable enjoyment derived from housework, but because of the indescribable sense of pride and pleasure in the finished result.

Now I haven't suddenly converted into a zealous, house-proud character reminiscent of Bree from Desperate Housewives, but I can certainly see the merit in the old adage that housework is good for the soul, as there was a certain sense of spiritual calm in my freshly-cleaned home last night.

You can't see it, but I'm smiling....

2008-10-06T10:23:00.006Z

After a week of hideous weather, going running in the cold and rain with long sleeved t-shirts, tracksuit pants and even contemplating gloves at one stage, I was entirely unprepared for what hit us yesterday on the 7km(4.3m) Race - Sunshine. Yes, it was an unnaturally warm day in Ireland, the sun was beaming down on us, it was beautiful. Not exactly ideal race conditions though, I realised this as I licked my drying lips at the Start line. The route was also a lot hillier than I'd anticipated, which left my quads quite heavy before I'd even reached the half-way mark. I also mis-timed my last burst, meaning I only sprinted for about 10yards before the finish line when I could have given much more. Now that I have enough excuses to warrant a dreadful time I can proudly admit that I finished it in 34m10s, a respectable time of just under 8mins a mile. Oh and I forgot to mention that back injury too, that's gotta be worth some sympathy seconds! :o)

I was on such a high after the race, there's nothing like it, except perhaps winning the race! That honour went to a girl with a time of circa 23mins, she was so far ahead I didn't even see her! Trust my competitive nature to always be comparing myself with the best, no wonder I get injuries so often when I put myself under so much pressure. I rested this morning, but only because my back was screaming for a break and I suppose it was well-deserved! So I'll take it easy for a while, and I'm going back to my Pilates class this week, I find the core exercises are great for alleviating back pain.

Something has shifted in the past few days, I think it began with all that glowing warmth of last week, but my attitude is infinitely more positive this week. I spent the weekend clearing out clutter and organising my bedroom/apartment. I caught up with various tasks that I'd been putting off for a while (procrastinate? moi? so unusual.... ;o), AND I ate healthily, without even trying to! My tummy was super flat today, and I'm back down a couple of lbs.

So there is a great big smile on my face, and it looks set to stay for a while. :o)

Warm Glow of Appreciation

2008-10-02T20:15:00.004Z

This is for all you guys out there in the Fitosphere; Thank You. I've been pretty down lately, but your blogs, and your comments on my meagre offerings, have really cheered me up and kept me going. You've all helped to put a great big smile on my face.

Today really has been a good day all round. My contract was renewed at work for 2 more years, with a raise (it's small but good in light of the recent economic downturn), and after a crazy busy afternoon my supervisor sent an email to our team telling everyone how much I'd helped her out. It was one of those warm-glow days where you really feel appreciated, and I wanted to share that with you all. :o)

Love Thy Self!

2008-10-01T08:42:00.004Z

Someone commented recently on a blog (I think it was TA) that we seem to take better care of ourselves when we are working out a lot; we cleanse/tone/moisturise, we brush our teeth vigorously, and generally treat our bodies a bit better. I suppose it's all part of the same basic wish to keep our bodies in good working order, but it's also a very caring thing to do for ourselves. The idea of eating healthily and working out often gets side-tracked by the idea of improving body image and the fact that it's actually a nice thing to do for ourselves can get forgotten.

As a direct contrast, binge eating or "comfort" eating is a distinctly unhealthy and potentially a damaging thing to do our bodies, and is usually born out of fear rather than love. Our society seems to be all about how we're "worth it", all about pampering ourselves and having exactly what we want, when we want it. But even when I'm "treating" myself, I know that I'm not actually doing the right thing for my body, and that I will pay the price later whether it's emotional or physical.

So, I am going to take care of myself, not because I am suffering with serious body image issues at the moment, but because I deserve to be taken care of. I deserve good things.

Confession....

2008-09-30T13:46:00.005Z

I've been avoiding the Fit Blogs for the last week or so, I just felt like I didn't belong - I'd hurt my back so no training to talk about, and I was emotionally eating and ashamed to admit it to everyone out there in the Fitosphere.

I'm glad I'm checking back in now, even though I'm still stiff and sore, at least I'm doing something, and I feel a bit more like myself again.

I've decided to stop being so hard on myself - mentally and physically. I'm going to draw up new goals, and give myself realistic deadlines (yes, these will be SMART goals! :o).

And I'm going to be stalking all of you out there, cos I'm gonna be drawing support from you! :o)

Oops...

2008-09-29T09:18:00.002Z

Ok, somehow my Intuitive Eating plan became the Eat what I Want To plan.... And now I'm up a couple of lbs... D'oh... It's been a depressing few days since I hurt my back again. I felt like I was falling back into a familiar role of the injured victim, and comfort eating really didn't help.

I went for a short run this morning, just 2.5 miles, and it felt tough. I know that this is more mental than physical though, so I'm going to go again tomorrow morning and push for the 3 miles this time. I just want my old exercise routine back... :o(

I have this image in my head of who I want to be, and reality is just not matching up at the moment. Injuries don't help because they just create more questions.

Sorry, I know this post is a bit all over the place, but that's kind of reflective of my mindset... Things are a bit foggy at the moment... I feel a bit lost...

Intuitive Eating

2008-09-23T10:35:00.002Z

I think I may be far too aware of the nutritive content of food. I admit I can be a bit scornful of people who claim they're trying to eat healthily yet clearly show their ignorance of what they're actually consuming, but sometimes ignorance really is bliss. As part of my Normal Eating campaign I'm trying to relax on calorie-counting and food diaries and just eat intuitively. Yes, that's right, eat what I feel like. But after years of telling myself "I don't feel hungry" or "I don't want chocolate" etc., it's kind of hard to turn those sensors back on.

On the road again...

2008-09-22T09:59:00.002Z

I'm finally out of victim/injured mode. I reluctantly went for a gentle jog this morning. I say 'reluctantly' because it felt strange to not be pushing myself to achieve a good time, I really didn't feel motivated to get all my running gear on for no apparent benefit. It's typical of me that I can never just enjoy the exercise for its own sake, there always has to be a competitive motivation behind it. I'm glad I went, even if my time was so shockingly bad I was embarrassed to see it on my stopwatch. It was a lovely morning, really crisp and fresh, with a beautiful sunrise, and I think I even heard the birds and other country wildlife in between Rihanna and Britney pumping on my iPod... :o)

I've decided to take a break from my online Food Diary. I want to eat naturally and normally, I need to re-train my body to identify hunger and to meet those needs healthily and appropriately. I've also decided to withdraw my entry from the Taekwon-Do World Cup next month. That was a hard decision to make, based on numerous physical and financial factors, but in the end it just came down to the fact that I'm not motivated enough to be competing at that level right now. I'm still sitting at 60kg, 2kg above my competition weight of -58kg, and though I know I could easily lose that weight under pressure of a weigh-in, I really don't want to put myself through that right now. I've been making good developments towards normal eating, and I want to keep working on that.

I'm still going to run the Ladies Charity 7km race; partly because it is for a good cause, and partly because I'm enjoying this new-found running ability I seem to have developed from somewhere. I think it would be a shame to let that go unnoticed. I may as well see how I fare in a mildly competitive atmosphere.

Bookshelves, Baking & Blogging

2008-09-21T18:23:00.003Z

Ok... even I admit that I've taken the alliteration too far with that title, I'm sorry!! :o) But I did it... The 3 things I would do in my efforts to Be Present this weekend - I put together the bookshelves (ahem, with the help of my Coach!), I baked Oatmeal Cookies today with my niece, and now I'm blogging. Check, check, check. :o)

It hasn't been an easy weekend though; I still haven't done any training and I'm really feeling the depriving effects of endorphin withdrawals. I think I've rested my back enough; I'm gonna go for a short run tomorrow, gotta get myself out of this funk.

Slippery Slope...

2008-09-19T08:05:00.003Z

I can feel that craving sensation... the one that makes me want food but that isn't ever satisfied... I try a variety of tastes - sweet, salty, etc., but it's still not hitting the spot. I even try being really naughty and indulging in increasing levels of "banned" foods until I'm eating large pieces of chocolate, but still the craving remains... Thankfully my common sense prevails and I'm prevented from outright bingeing, but I definitely feel like I've eaten too much, and the guilt is starting to set in, causing conflict between the two opposing sides of my mind.

I wish I could be normal. I wish food was normal for me. I'd love to be one of those people who say "Dessert? No thanks, I'm full" or "Biscuit? Just the one, thanks." I think the last time I genuinely ate without worrying about the consequences was about 10 years ago, when I was 15/16. The last time I was happy with my body, genuinely happy, was over 2 years ago, almost 3 actually, when I was competing at -52kg, and was keeping my body at a lean 54kg most of the time.

I had always been around 55kg, but I had never been so lean before. I loved the hint of a 4-pack on my stomach, the gentle curve of a bicep forming on my arms, and most of all - my thighs were in proportion! woohoo! I was a UK size 8, and totally proud of it. Suddenly clothes fit me perfectly! After years of trying on jeans and feeling disheartened when they would barely pull over my thighs, only to hang loose around my narrow waist - jeans now fit me. It was a momentous occasion. I was officially slim.

I competed at that weight for over 2 years, sticking to 54kg or thereabouts, then dropping the last 2 kg in the weeks before the competition. I wasn't much of a runner back then, in fact before last month just mentioning "jogging" would cause me to break out in a sweat. So I preferred to dehydrate and starve the weight out in the last few days. This involved long periods of fasting, whilst still training hard for the tournament, and finally cutting out all fluids for a certain amount of time preceding the weigh-in. And sometimes I got that wrong. It was a semi-public event, with at least your team-mates, if not other teams as well, watching as you stripped down to your underwear and sports bra and stepped onto a digital scales. The sheer humiliation of being over-weight, (even if only by 100g -there was NO allowances), was enough incentive to not have that gulp of water even when your mouth was parched with thirst.

So sometimes I'd stop taking in food/fluids a little earlier... without telling my Coach...until I went a little too far, not eating for nearly 5 days... and not drinking any fluids for nearly 3... I'm not even going to get into how stupid that was. I weighed in almost a full kilo under for that event. Almost of full kilo of water missing from my body that I sorely needed. That was the first time I'd ever taken my top off in front of a room of guys and heard "eewww........" It wasn't pretty. I actually did ok in the competition though... if you don't count getting a concussion in the semi-final after almost falling onto an opponent's right hook. My body, and brain, was exhausted. That was the last time I competed at that weight.

My First Race!

2008-09-18T09:43:00.011Z

I am officially entered into a 7km(4.3mile) Road Race taking place on the 5th October. And I'm looking forward to it. These are words I never ever thought that I would be typing. ME, enjoy running, and voluntarily submitting myself to be compared against other runners, thus claiming to have some sort of right to be there!

Perhaps I'm getting a bit ahead of myself here, considering that I just left the Physio about 4 hours ago, but I'm sure that little niggling injury will be cleared up in a day or two. I'm hoping that having a deadline like this race will help to keep me focused through this bad patch, and give me something to aim towards for the next few weeks. As if the Taekwon-Do World Cup wasn't enough... :o)

Oh what a beautiful morning!!!

2008-09-18T09:43:00.007Z

Don't worry, I'm not going to burst into song! But it really is a bee-yoo-tifull morning! The sun is shining, giving us a total of 2 days of Summer this year! :o) AND, I am mobile again! Physio sorted me out first thing this morning and I practically skipped to work after the magic of his healing hands. Unfortunately I'm also under his orders to NOT train for the next 36-48hours, AND I have to wear...oh god I hate to say this.... flat shoes...*gulp* I love my heels, in fact I looooove my heels. I like being 4 inches taller than my natural 5'6" frame. But I also like the feeling of professionalism I get from wearing them; I like wearing skirts, and dresses and generally feeling well-groomed at work. When I wear flat shoes I feel like I'm in my pyjamas! I can do this though. I can not train, and wear flat shoes, for 2 days. I'll deal with this like it's another challenge. Just 2 short days. No problem. But I won't enjoy it! :o)

This was my first time seeing this Physio, and he was really good, but it had been a while since I'd shown anyone new my body in any way. Thankfully I didn't have to undress at all, I was dreading that part. With all my worry and fear about people seeing and feeling my new 'chub' I had kind of forgotten that I have a bit more muscle than the average Irish girl. (I've been thinking a lot about the test of "Average" lately, check out the discussions on Mizfit the other day.) Anyway, he started working some of the tension in my legs and his jaw dropped, I was mortified, thinking he was disgusted by how big and squidgy my thighs had gotten, but instead he just laughed and said in the way that only an Irish medical professional can: "Jaysus your quads are rock hard, and your calves too, sure you're all muscle girl!!" I couldn't stop laughing, partly out of relief and partly out of pride, it was nice to be reminded that despite my recent weight gain, I am strong and fit, and maybe even above average... :o)

The Sun is Shining!

2008-09-17T16:10:00.002Z

Nope, I'm not making it up, the Sun is actually out in Ireland!! woohoo!! And I got to leave work early on account of my tense back becoming cripplingly painful as the day went on. So I get to blog from the comfort of my couch, looking out at the sunshine reflected on the lake near my home.

I am definitely a lot more cheered up since this morning, but worried now that this temporary disability is going to play havoc with my workout/diet regime. I was doing so well, but I'm very much aware of how my willpower dissipates the instant I hit a hurdle like this. It doesn't help that everyone assures me that I'm "tiny" and that I "don't need to lose any weight", and insist on feeding me up. I appreciate their concern and I know that a lot of that is to do with my unintentionally causing them to feel uncomfortable with their own weight, but this actually about Me! Not them! I am not comfortable in my body, and I want to be lean. I train so hard, and I just want a body that reflects that. I just wish I could do this in a healthy way. I always put it off until too close to a TKD competition and then it's extreme weight loss methods, excessive exercise and absolutely NO junk food until after the event... then the post-deprivation binge starts the cycle all over again. I just want to eat normally. I just want to train hard and see, as well as feel, the effects.

Grrrrrrrr!!!!!!

2008-09-17T07:57:00.004Z

I am not in a good mood this morning!!!!! I went to TKD training last night and discovered as we were warming up that the crazy combination of strength exercises we had done 24 hours before had caused my lower back to seize up in a ball of tension. I was so annoyed, if I'm not going to be able to train properly then I'd rather be at home with a cup of tea, thanks very much! Making half-hearted attempts at performing kicks, then repeatedly contorting my body in an attempt to alleviate pain is not my idea of fun. I went to bed last night with a hot water bottle, reassuring myself that my run this morning would make up for that thwarted endorphin rush. Unfortunately I woke up a bit too early.. which meant that when I drifted back off to sleep I slept a bit too long, finally looking at the clock at 7.20am. I could have gotten up and gone for a short run but that would have felt frustrating, I would have wanted to push for more, but then been late for work. Plus I do have TKD training this evening, and I could always go to the gym after work if I wanted to fit in another session... I just had too many options running through my head and that apparently is not the best time for me to be making decisions! So instead I decided to take advantage of this enforced break, sleep on a teeny bit longer, and come into work early to start my day afresh. You know what they say about the best intentions... Well I don't know what time warp I'm living in, but every move I took today felt like it was in quicksand. My lumpy body wouldn't fit in my clothes quickly enough. My hair went frizzy and wouldn't dry properly. My eye make up got smeared and took time to make reparatory attempts. And I got into work nearly 20 mins late. Grrrrr!!!!!!!!!!

Oh yeah, I know this is all probably a good lesson in patience and accepting the little hurdles that life throws in our paths and about not letting them get to me... But right now I'm just pi**ed off and feel like hitting something!!

PS: Just stood up to get my breakfast, and realised that ball of tension is still in my back. Ow. :o(

How I Became A Runner

2008-09-16T08:19:00.007Z

I ran 3.5miles this morning in 28minutes. I am running 8 minute miles. ME?!! Just 2 weeks ago I could barely finish a 2.2mile route in under 20mins, and I'd been plodding along at that for weeks, if not months and years when you think about it. And now, seemingly suddenly, I can run for up to 5 miles (so far) and at a pace of 8min/mile. How did this happen?!*

A quick run-down of all the diverse factors which contributed to this:

1. I gained a lot of weight really fast. Seriously. About 4kg in 4 weeks. That's what happens when you eat like Michael Phelps but without the training.. I'm only half-joking. The weight gain didn't help with the running but it certainly gave me some good motivation!

2. I joined an online food blog - My Fitness Pal - it's surprising what a bit of support can do to motivate you. Ok, seeing as I've given them the plug... http://www.myfitnesspal.com/

3. I got a Polar HRM for my recent 25th Birthday - it brought out the best in my competitive spirit.

4. I ran later in the morning one weekend and noticed the benefits of my porridge breakfast meant I was bounding along much faster, so I tried to emulate that time and feeling of energy the next time I went for my morning run.

And finally:

5. I changed my route, changed my iPod workout mix, and tried to just relax at an easy pace.

I've emphasised relax simply because I think that was the most important thing that I changed. In all my years of attempting to run I've chosen the wrong partners, the wrong pace, the wrong route. Pish posh. It shouldn't matter. I should have ignored all those external influences and just stuck with what was right for me. This time it was different, I was running on my own, and I was pushing to go a little outside my comfort zone, so I worked hard at relaxing. Not an easy thing for me to do. But it seems to be working so far.

*I know this is not exactly stimulating stuff, but this is my blog so I can write about whatever I want. So there.

Self-Sabotage Sunday

2008-09-15T09:07:00.003Z

The title of this blog is fairly self-explanatory, it's an expression of my attempts to find balance, and this weekend is fairly illustrative of that struggle. After my uber-productive Saturday of eating healthily, exercising, completing various housework tasks, socialising, grocery shopping and even managing to fit in an outing to the ballet (I'm cultured me!), I wake up Sunday at 1pm... I crawl out of bed and move at a pace of 2 mph as I attempt to make myself presentable to visit my brother. I eventually leave the house nearly 3 hours later, after consuming a bowl of porridge (good!), a bowl of fruit (also good!) a snack pack of oat cookies (hmm...) and 2 big pieces of white Toblerone... (uh oh...) I won't even bother detailing the rest of my nutritive mis-deeds for the day, as I already had to complete my online food diary and I don't fancy seeing it again! It seems to be all or nothing with me. I'm either eating like a monk and exercising like a demon (conjuring images of demonic monks there...), or I'm sitting sloth-like on my couch, stuffing my face with endless "goodies"... Although at the moment I seem to be exercising ok, thanks to my recent (and entirely unanticipated) running addiction. It's just those sugar cravings I need to curb.

From Procrastination to Productivity!

2008-09-13T13:42:00.002Z

Somehow, in the last 24 hours, I have become extremely productive! Aside from the good scrubbing I've given the kitchen, the numerous loads of laundry and other household duties, I managed to fit in a run this morning. I had intended to go for a 4.3 mile route but ended up doing 4.85miles in under 40mins! I was in a slight state of shock, but I still found some energy to get all that household stuff finally finished. If I knew how I had done this believe me I would share the secret, as it is I am just hoping to maintain this momentum long enough to get everything ticked off on my list!

Protracted Procrastination...

2008-09-12T09:59:00.002Z

I've been a Blog-Watcher for over a year now and I'm very much aware of my lack of online presence. So I set this blog up about a month ago just waiting for the right event to begin my blogging with... well... enough procrastination, I'm just gonna start typing and hope for the best.